Description: Can't say much just that this came to me in a dream and isn't really supposed to make too much sense, just capture a picture of my dream... suggestions would be very appreciated...
The Red Stick -------------------------------------------
The fuse is fizzing
into the air.
Sparks of white and orange
dance out in a fan.
The Red Stick
held firmly between two lines
of clattering teeth.
Jaw shivers as
The Red Stick
bobs up and down.
The sparks eat way the fuse
piece by piece
and a blinding flash of light
swallows the stick and
rips off the shivering jaw
like cyclops tears off
his victim's head.
Eyes well up,
tears drip down cheekbones
and strings of flesh hang
from under the nose.
The Red Stick
devoured the rest.
Hey, this was pretty cool. I was kinda thinking what his goth child was...the red stick reminds me of dynamite. I thought this was good. It's great to see you writing again. Sorry that I don't have much to say on this...I'm having a bit of an off day, please excuse me, lol. WEll, hope to see more shortly...peace.
hmmm...i like the idea of slowly portraying the steps of the speaker's death, and having it not be from the person's point of view, but rather as something from the outside. However, i think it could use a little more imagery, better vocab in general, etc. As i read it now i can't help but think it's a little bit comical, and i don't think it was really supposed to be that way from the descriptions that you DO have in there already. If it WAS supposed to be comical, and you're kinda mocking the whole gory death kind of thing, then add that kind of vocabulary where it just makes the whole idea seem silly...that's kind of what the phrase "the red stick" makes me think of, the phrase seems childlike and it's just not foreboding or anything. If it was meant to be a gory/serious poem, then try to put more adjectives into it to counter that red stick thing, because with more imagery you can make "the red stick" which barely seems harmful till like, the last line, a lot more terrifying. Describe maybe what the outsider sees too; like exactly what the red stick does, and how the person reacts to it, each single step. i'm really sorry if this comment is a little jumbled up, it's currently early as f*uck because i'm supposed to be getting ready for school, and I'm not quite lucid...but if you have any questions on what i said just ask and i'll articulate better.
yay! you wrote another one......ok, would the red stick happen to be dinamite? if it is then the guy with it in his mouth is attempting suicide.....but the flash and boom only claim his jaw.....what takes the rest of him? acid? well it could use some spice, but i like the idea...if i got it wrong let me know....iwant to know what you were dreaming up as you wrote this.... heartless coel
Nice picture. That you? As for the words, would you prefer dream interpretation or literary comment? Well, a bit of both then. The image makes me feel that the stick is phallic... Whoops, didn't say that, as the speaker seems to not have come to terms with the implications. Anyhow, one blow at that fuse will put it out I think. The write needs spit and polish. Some unnecessary lines ("into the air." - leave it out and see), some errors ("eat way the" - eat away? though it doesn't read better that way), etc. Try some form, metre or rhyme (This suggestion is somewhat like saying; "add salt to taste" whatever makes it better for you). The idea is good though, would like to see where it goes with some reworking.
Submission Name: The Red Stick
