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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: no score and seven years agodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: redeemer
    ASL Info:    19/female/venus
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 85/93/58
    Words: 331
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 1164
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1980



    Description:
       about the first half is about my real life, the rest is just rant in a way...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsno score and seven years agodots
    -------------------------------------------


    Most my life I've been confused
    Wouldn't you like to walk in my shoes
    I've lost my family and pieces of my life
    I've been beaten, kicked when I'm down, and put through strife.

    If only you had seen the things that I'd seen
    Honey you'd be just as fuct up as me
    My father went insane when I was five
    In a pink padded room is where he'll keep alive

    My mom left me before I was two
    So I was pretty much alone and had no clue
    I found random men to keep me safe
    But they all use to hurt me...and lock me away

    I've been used by these people
    That I've never known
    So one day at a church
    I found a home

    God took me in
    And took me out of the cold
    He took away my sin
    And to him my soul was sold

    But it was worth it to me
    Because I found safety
    From his loving arms
    No one could take me

    But what no one knows
    Is what I hold true
    god is dead
    His life is through

    I was there I watched him die
    He told me darlin' please don't cry
    For I am yours and you are mine
    And for this love I will forever climb

    Climb to a heaven so far away
    Where I will wait for you till it becomes your day
    Your day to come and be with me
    The day that you leave humanity

    But I forgot god
    And he forgot me
    So he stays in heaven
    Far away from me

    We speak no more
    But it's alright
    Maybe someday
    He will take my life

    It's been 7 years since I've seen his face
    Does he still love me
    Or has it been erased

    God forgive me I don't know what to do
    My life's been fuct up
    And so are you....





    Submitted on 2006-11-15 13:21:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well this would be a more complicated comment. in this i really get emotional due to the poem dealing with having someone by your side then disappear, this litterally brings a tear to my eye and yet i felt the need to say waht i wanted in well a poem of my own :P.. yes i wrote a poem for you..:P Are you smiling yet? anywho heres the site and well i hope you like it bare in mind it 7 am right now so bare with it ...
    (heres the link)
    http://www.eliteskills.com/z/128311

    -Romeo
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Romeo | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is full of anguish and sorrow. Since you are talking about God, I will use Scripture in my critique.

    Thy rebuke hath broken his heart, he is full of heaviness: he looked for some to have pity on him, but there was no man, neither found he any, to comfort him.
    Psalm 69: 20

    Behold and see if there be any sorrow like unto his sorrow.
    Lamentations 1: 12

    I thought these might embody what you are feeling.

    Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.
    I Corinthians 15: 21-22

    Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, death is swallowed up in victory.
    I Corinthians 15: 54-55a

    O Death, where is thy sting? O Grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law.
    I Corinthians 15: 55b-56


    I hope these have some meaning for you. I take my leave.
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by Opti_pessi-mist | [ Reply to This ]
      just to add my fifty cents I know poetry is susposed to challenge life but I was a little freak by that ending. I think it was the perfect line if you really feel that way but i also think your in a sad situation if you really feel that way. kudos to dead,yetalive becuse I was really unsure what to say when I first read this piece but after his/her guidance I am sure that even though it's a greay poem there are some lines that I just don't agree with.
    | Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, the first half of this poem was heartbreaking, then you let some light in when you talked about finding refuge in religion, but the door gets slammed on you, I think you have just defined the epitome of darkness. And the last stanza/lines, "God forgive me I don't know what to do/My life's been fuct up/And so are you....", could not have ended the poem any better.

    I think this is the first time for me to say this in a critique, cause I know how corny and lame it sounds, but this piece flowed incredibly well. The first 3 stanzas build up the momentum, then it just takes off from there until the end.

    When I first read the line "in a pink padded room is where he'll keep alive", I thought, "Does she mean white?", then I realized that perhaps you've kept him in your heart, and in your heart he will live on forever. Then again I could be completely wrong.

    One thing I personally would change is the spelling of the word "[censored]", I think that if it was simply spelled f-u-c-k, it would better allow the word to convey the situations in your poem.

    Other than that this was a jaw-dropping poem, I'm gonna have to favorite this and stalk you.

    -Alex

    | Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by screamALEX | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... I just thought you should know this made tears run down my face. it was beautifully written with such emotion behind it. I can relate to a certain extent... my mother's dead and my father's just there, but he tries... I wasn't as alone but I felt that way. I assure you that God has not forgotten about you... he still loves you and is just waiting until you're ready to talk again. It's like a marriage, you're angry at your spouse and they know why (though I don't) and thy realise that you may need a little space for a while, but he really wants you back. I'm not saying all this stuff because my dad's the pastor but because I know from experience that when you seem to've lost it all... you really haven't ... he's still there... which is why I am. :) but, if you don't mind my asking, why do you feel that God is dead?

    ~Do~

    P.S.- I'm here if you want to talk... I might be able to help... even if it's just by listening. :)
    | Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by dead,yetalive | [ Reply to This ]


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