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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Five and Dime Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyMim
    ASL Info:    47 Female New England
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 170/211/66
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 175
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1490



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFive and Dime Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    FIVE AND DIME MAN

          Deep in thought
                his gestures mime
                      decades of habits.
                            A beggar for time.

    But, time fades...

    Through the store-front window,
    a bent spectre, barely outlined,
    poses on the chair...
         same as yesterday,
         and the day before.
    Slightly indistinguishable
    from the glass reflection
    of life outside.
         He is incognizant.

    Crooked fingers grasp
    the folded reality
    of "Today's Times."
    Absorbed in others' views...
         someone's blues,
         everyone's news.
    His elbows rest unsteady on his lap.

    Another page
         ..another year.
    Another article.
         ..another day.
    Another death.

    Spent...his hands tremble.

    I take notes as he performs his eulogy.
    An epic all his own.




    Submitted on 2006-11-15 18:20:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "Absorbed in others' views...
    someone's blues,
    everyone's news."

    Kim, I'm not sure what I think of this moment of triple rhyme in the middle of your piece where you have kept almost strictly free of Rhyme. It calls a lot of attention to this part of the poem and it sems like this part of the poem is not what you want to call attention too, to me, anyway. If your focus is the man, then putting so much emphasis on others with the rhyme detracts from the image of the man reading. It feels like you added that little bit of rhyme there just because you could as opposed to having it serve a real purpose. If there were other instances of this sort of rhyme in the poem, then I could appreciate it more, but, as is, it is only random.
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      The juxtaposition between the man in the store and the life outside is amazing. Things like the paper, the chair, the man's habits, they all stay the same and never change. One day this man is going to have to realize that his life will end because time moves on, even though he doesn't. The poem presents itself as a bead on an endless string of time. It takes a snapshot of a life, but implies that this life is insignificant in the scheme of things because it will die in the same banal pattern as others. Time is a cold force; it keeps moving when we want to stay put, but this poem evokes compassion for the man, because we too, like him are victims of time and will one day amount to "another death." Well done!
    | Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by Astarael | [ Reply to This ]


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