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    dots Submission Name: His hands (revised)dots

    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 854
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1152

       I've revised this to try to make it more regular. I'm still not convinced it really works. I've tried to get it all into tetrameter, though not strictly iambic. Can you get this or does the rhythm throw you off at times? Also, the obsession with the hands is supposed to be reflected in the compulsive repetition of the phrase at the beginning of each stanza, and in the constant rhymes in "-ands" and "-and". Am I overdoing it? Is this tedious or does it capture you in a bind, like a mouse facing a cobra? Any thoughts would be welcomed. I've put a bit of work into this and am still feeling very unsure about the result. Thanks, PH

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    dotsHis hands (revised)dots

    His Hands

    His hands at rest before my eyes.
    I ache to slip my finger through
    The little black hairs on the back of his hands.
    Today I make no further demands.

    His hands. The rest of the world is banned.
    Only they are in focus, they draw all the light,
    Solid as stones. And my self disbands
    Like water vanishing into the sands.

    His hands. My attention at their command.
    His words are lost; his distant voice,
    A rhythmic and soothing downward murmur,
    Whispers like waves licking the lands.

    His hands fulfill my mind's intent,
    They span the window of my soul,
    My sinking chest, a gaping hole,
    A pit. The void within expands.

    His hands recede as blindness fills me,
    Exhaling my last mental strands,
    Immersed, an empty hull unmanned,
    A wreck abandoned in the sands.

    His hands are gone. All sounds are drowned.
    Facing an abyss that I cannot withstand
    I wait for his hands to haul me in.
    Stillness. No air. I wait for his hands.

    Submitted on 2006-11-16 12:11:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      What is this about?
    | Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by Desolate_beauty | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this kind of verse and it is a very well-made one. The redundancies are effective OK. I want to talk about the scansion, prosody, rhythm or whatever I ought to call it. You go for the variations on top of the basic form and I just want to say that is really what it's all about; I very much enjoy how many things you can make "a tetrameter" look like in this poem! I think this is one of the techniques for giving variations of tone the same as in painting and music ... except I think that poetry has potentially more dimensions that they have.
    | Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

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