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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~~Future Memory~~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: butterfly wings
    ASL Info:    20/F/ Miami
    Elite Ratio:    4.09 - 264/309/53
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 726
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 850



    Description:
       realise that the world right now...isn't the same world thats gonna be around tomorow...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots ~~Future Memory~~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Looking around,
    What do we see.
    Things we want ,
    But don't need!

    Time that we watch,
    simply wasted away...
    With worries that ,
    Won't matter the next day!

    In the end you wonder,
    "who cared on that day?"
    When you cried on the floor,
    When you walked away....

    If no one cared then,
    Then who will care now?
    And how will they feel,
    When you ask them,
    "why are you still here?"

    With your memory playing,
    The recordings of..
    The injustices in your life,
    Its you that cared about that strife.

    As your future grabs hold,
    No future is ever truely foretold.
    Holding on to every memory,
    Lets wonder into the unknown.




    Submitted on 2006-11-16 15:15:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Twas good, the only thing I would suggust is monitering the rhyme scheme. It starts off with a very definite ABCB for three stanzas then switches to ABCDE then ABCC then AABB. This just makes it sound funny when read aloud. Overall, though, very powerful!

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      Looking around,
    What do we see.
    Things we want ,
    But don't need!

    isn't that the truth, how much of what we buy is used? or even really enjoyed?

    Time that we watch,
    simply wasted away...
    With worries that ,
    Won't matter the next day!

    I was told not long ago that watching tv is a pass time, granted I spend hours at this site and writing, but I'm being active rather passive and I'm producing , using time rather than "passing it"
    And if we spent time, we wouldn't have time to worry, great ideas you're sharing here.

    In the end you wonder,
    "who cared on that day?"
    When you cried on the floor,
    When you walked away....

    If no one cared then,
    Then who will care now?
    And how will they feel,
    When you ask them,
    "why are you still here?"

    With your memory playing,
    The recordings of..
    The injustices in your life,
    Its you that cared about that strife.

    As your future grabs hold,
    No future is ever truely foretold.
    Holding on to every memory,
    Lets wonder into the unknown.


    A very cool sentiment in these last strophes, but I have an idea for the last line

    Lets wonder vanish into the unknown

    because I think the word vanish makes if stronger is you can feel the rhythm as strongly. Also you have a typo on truly that needs to be changed, nice theme and things we all need to hear.
    Thanks for sharing, very well done,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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