Ashes'-Ashes' by dismentled

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Submission Name: Ashes'-Ashes' dots

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Author:	dismentled
ASL Info:	24/M/"South of Heaven"
Elite Ratio:	4.13 - 617/549/200
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	179
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	620

Description:
entered in contest with one other person, still lost!

Ashes'-Ashes' dots

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Ashes to Ashes'
dust to dust
breath of my life
falling from touch?

giving in and
losing control,
falling like pieces
too far from whole!

another breakage,
(the sky is falling)
another landing
(please forigve me?)
another line,
(my last breath)
another time
(taste my bests!)

from whence we rise
we must do again
only to fall back
from whence we came;

Ashes to Ashes
dust to dust
breathe of my fathers'
just as such...

Submitted on 2006-11-17 13:18:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  this is an interesting piece. i think i rather like it. it is very forthright and sullen, almost sad. i believe that you have done a good job here, but i cant help and think that this could use some similes, metaphors, and or imagery. it is written very well and i love the thrust in it. however, i wish that there were some metaphors that i could relate to. i guess what im trying to say is write an equal balance between "show us" than "tell us" stuff.
all-in-all i did enjoy this piece and i look forward to reading more of your stuff. i do think that you are talented and would hope to see a thick visualized piece the next time i return.

God bless you
john-paul
| Posted on 2007-01-11 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
  This was pretty good. I liked the third stanza, with the phrases in parentheses. The ending was quite good too, it wasn't really a climax or anything, it just kind of faded out, which worked very well for this poem. Good write.
| Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
  An interesting and touching write. The repetition of "ashes to ashes..." gave a very sombre feel to the poem as a whole. I liked the simple ending, it gave a clear meaning and direction for the poem to end with.
The only suggestion/critique is on the second line of the second stanza, I think you meant "losing control."
Thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by SilverScent | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I really liked this one. I kind of reminded me of my grandpa that past away two years ago next February.

It flowed and had a kind of logic to it. Very good!
| Posted on 2006-11-17 00:00:00 | by Elissar | [ Reply to This ]

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