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    dots Submission Name: The Knight of Navara Chapter 4dots

    Author: McClune
    ASL Info:    15/m/fl
    Elite Ratio:    1.38 - 3/6/14
    Words: 278
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 563
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1675


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Knight of Navara Chapter 4dots

    Since they wouldn't be departing until the next morning, Aries decided to pay a visit to his parents gravesite.
    The cemetery was just outside town, easily acessable on foot from anywhere in the city. There was a light over cast now, the sun was just a big blob of light, instead of a circle oin the sky.
    When Aries finally reached the gates, a light drizzle started. He could hear thunder in the distance, towards Windrana Falls in the west. The sky over Windrana Falls was a deep, dark, black. Lightning lit up the sky over the hills, the wind began to pick up.
    First it was a light breeze, then a steady wind, and finally a whistling, howling uproar across the fields and cemetery.
    Aries ran back to the castle after leaving flowers and saying goodbye to the headstone.
    When he got into town the rain fell like he was under a waterfall. Torrents fell in sheets, hail crashed down on the roads and homes.
    People were crowded around the castle gates, lightining illuminating the black clouds.Aries knew where a secret entrance was, so he slowly snuck around to the back of the castle and slid into the sewers below.
    The sewers smelled horrid, a greenish yellow river ran through the center, narrow walkways lined it. As he approached a ladder, he heard several rats squeal. He turned around to sea a blue-green,scaly monster.
    "Hello.... what are you doing down here?"the thing asked.
    "I'm thinking about going up this ladder to escpae from you... good enough excuse?"Aries said sarcastically, he was about to learn that sarcasm doesn't go well with the water dragon.

    Submitted on 2006-11-17 17:13:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Beneficial Criticism:
    -I believe it was slightly short for a "chapter" as you have called it, but that is not a major flaw.
    -You need to edit a few grammatical flaws, or have someone else do it for you.
    -There were a few sentences in this piece that I didn't exactly care for. Ex. "...the sun was just a big blob of light..."

    Things I liked:
    -You attempted explicit detail and did a fine job at it.
    -You used a wide variety of vocabulary, instead of using certain words over and over again.
    -I truly enjoyed the setting, medieval fantasy is my taste.

    Overall, I think you have done a well job on this piece. I noted that it needed to be edited, and if you wish, I could do that for you.

    Also, If you would like, I have completed the first scene of a short story I am writing called "The Retribution"
    It is set in medieval times as well and is based around an original character of mine named Khargath. It is my featured work at the moment if you would like to check it out.

    Keep up the good work, and don't quit writing. Your "MORE COMMENTS" piece caught my attention and led me to pursue this feedback.

    The Dead Life,
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by Khargath | [ Reply to This ]

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