Secret Promise by KimmyMim

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Submission Name: Secret Promise dots

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Author:	KimmyMim
ASL Info:	47 Female New England
Elite Ratio:	4.73 - 170/211/66
Words:	120

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	174
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	866

Description:

Secret Promise dots

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Secret Promise

Humble Lady ponders life's illusions.
Details of these wonders come to view.
Outside, she seems a frail and damaged human.
Inside, are her treasures like the dew.

Melancholic dreams cannot consume her.
Hopeless thoughts will not corrupt her mind.
Outside, her appearance has deceived you.
Inside, are her motives, pure and kind.

Pushing optimism ever onward.
Her smiling eyes shine crystal in the light.
Outside, her voice, it echos as the harp string.
Inside, her conscience helps her win the fight.

Though there wars a struggle all around her,
She's focused as the pupil of an eye...
Inside, she's kept the promises he made her,
No longer does she ask the question, "why?"

Submitted on 2006-11-17 22:38:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||

This is nicely constructed, with the outside/inside alternation at the end of the first 3 stanzas, and a nice pentameter rhythm that flows well (line 9 is the only one which I think might be revised from that point of view, I have trouble getting the final 4th weak syllable in "optimisum" and any stress at all on "mis" seems forced to me; you might think of replacing the word).
There is true beauty in the subject described which radiates from the poem. And we are left with a sense of mystery at the end. "What are those promises?" Is this the forced optimism of despair? or is this a truly enlightened woman, who can stop asking "why?" and simply )*be*?
I was wondering about "wars" in line 13. Is it a typo for "was"? I read it as "was" on my first reading, but then thought that it might be intentional, and an in a way a nice find (struggles warring ;-). It also then would lead to a possible interpretation where "he" is in fact gone to war in the literal sense.
And I really like "she's kept the promises he made her". A nice find, to keep someone elses promises for him.
Thanks for a lovely poem.
| Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]

This is nicely constructed, with the outside/inside alternation at the end of the first 3 stanzas, and a nice pentameter rhythm that flows well (line 9 is the only one which I think might be revised from that point of view, I have trouble getting the final 4th weak syllable in "optimisum" and any stress at all on "mis" seems forced to me; you might think of replacing the word).
There is true beauty in the subject described which radiates from the poem. And we are left with a sense of mystery at the end. "What are those promises?" Is this the forced optimism of despair? or is this a truly enlightened woman, who can stop asking "why?" and simply )*be*?
I was wondering about "wars" in line 13. Is it a typo for "was"? I read it as "was" on my first reading, but then thought that it might be intentional, and an in a way a nice find (struggles warring ;-). It also then would lead to a possible interpretation where "he" is in fact gone to war in the literal sense.
And I really like "she's kept the promises he made her". A nice find, to keep someone elses promises for him.
Thanks for a lovely poem.
| Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
  I found it refreshing to read a poem that rhymes! For in my recent poetic endeavors and reading...none of them have rhymed. And there's just something about a poem that flows nicely and rhymes; so thank you! I am espcially liking the line "her voice, it echos as the harp string." It really gives you an image of what she is like... a harp string? Maybe her voice is of angels or symphonies... I like it. And you did a good job of keeping the meter consistent, I kept expecting to fumble and it be awkward, but you have payed close attentioin! Keep writing,
LucyDiamond
| Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]

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