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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bluedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1553
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 602



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBluedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cascades of water fall
    with relentless flow of emotion
    uncertain where it will land
    longing for a turquoise lagoon.

    Tears pour endlessly
    from a once azure hue
    as puddles form beneath
    the midnight moon.

    Unsettled sky, bleed out
    unwanted solitude,
    mix together with restless sea,
    impatiently, she calls for you.

    Beautiful color of sadness
    saturate through miles of ocean,
    paint across unlimited brilliant sky
    in search of happiness...

    lost in its own beauty.




    Submitted on 2006-11-18 11:27:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      again, the use of nature to express the longing for love...works really well in this piece...

    "beautiful color of sadness"

    love that line...

    somehow a beauty in sadness...a paradox...but for the poet, pain usually translate into moving words on the page that are eloquent...

    like this.
    | Posted on 2011-03-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent, Lorna! It is infinite in its scope, and is both etheral and romantic. Blue must be the color of eternity, as it gives one the impression that is fathomless and endless, and is associated with both mood and sky; howmany tears are contained in the waters of the Ocean?

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2011-02-20 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful.

    Buster
    | Posted on 2010-09-19 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful.

    Buster
    | Posted on 2010-09-19 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah! The many aspects of "Blue" : The color, water, sky, eyes, tears, sadness, all contained in this short poem. I love it's construction, how it progresses from waterfalls to sadness, from seeming serenity to a quest for beauty. "Blue" can be both uplifting (blue skies) and depressing (as in 'the blues'). You have captured all of that.

    Something about the tenses bothers me, so I suggest:

    S1 - L2 Change "with" to "in."
    S3 - L1 "bleed(s)" L3 "mix(ed)."
    S4 - L2 "saturate(s)" L3 "paint(s)." Also consider dropping "through" and "across." L4 Change "in" to "and," search(es), change "of" to "for."

    I must say that I love this poem, especially S4. "Blue" as the" color of sadness" saturating the "ocean," painting the "sky," searching for "happiness." I guess in a way you have personified it. And the closing is superb, the "beauty" of "Blue." Yes, "Blue" is double edged, beautiful at times, but also a symbol of loneliness.

    I think you touched on all the aspects of this color, and wove a picture of "blue" being the lonely one. Wonderful. A Fav.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so beautiful! the imagery in this makes me want to paint it. every line is gorgeous and flows right off the tongue. the way you manipulate the words into this lovely sound is amazing. what talent! i dont even know what to say about this it's just to great. favs list by far

    -steph
    | Posted on 2007-07-12 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd like to say that some of your poetry that I have read so far is really good. Please don't think of me as some suck up as others do, but I really like how you write. Why I chose this poem is because today, we are in lack of comments. I decided that any one that comments on my poems get two comments.

    I've seen that you are intuned with nature. It's something different from what today's standards are which are anything about darkness and cutting. I don't look at much poems now because of all the repetiveness. I've been holding back the comments and I need to help Elite Skills as I think that it won't last long in its shape. You can kinda relate ES to the world, there's a lot of problems and we aren't doing much to help it.

    Blue is my favorite color. I have to say it is very calming and soothing. It doesn't mean much in the world and is very conservative. Red and black always mean these big things like something is about to happen. I never liked either of the colors especially red; red was like a sign to me signifying danger. Black was always a sign for evil. Yellow was too bright for some and looked like urine. There's something about the color blue that captures me as well as others.

    Anyways, I want to get to critiquing your poem. I've babbled away with about your poems and I haven't even commented on any of them yet. First of all, why blue? It should of been something else that has to relate to water. Water is also a various colors of blue and sometimes not even blue. When I first saw this poem, I thought of water but mostly the color blue. I thought I was in surprise for some kiddy poem but I was in for a nice treat.

    Okay, I know that people refer to the sea as "The Big Blue". I find that the color and water are equally shared without the poem. It irks me that the poem is called, "Blue" and not something that has to relate to a color and water. I want to jump in my seat right now because I'm critizing that your title is supposedly incorrect or doesn't fit, and I don't know what I would call it. You can hit me with a dead fish if you want to. I'm stuck in a strut.

    "Cascades of water fall
    with relentless flow of emotion
    uncertain where it will land
    longing for a turquoise lagoon."

    If you read any of my comments on other people's work, then you must know that I like to post section by section. I think it helps me if I can see the work in front of me. Cascade. It's such a pretty blue. I remember my little box of Crayolas that I would have Cascade Blue. That crayon was used a lot, it was the first color of the box that was gone.

    I'm getting good pictures in my mind from the start of the poem. I can already image a ton of water in some beautiful jungle falling down into a place where there's a paradise. Nothing is touched and animals fly freely as the water does. Water can go either way, you can either have it tamed or not. It can be a brutal force against you or can be your ally.

    I can also picture in a different picture that there's someone waiting for another to wisk him/her away. The first stanza makes me want to sit back on a beach chair by a body of water and sleep under the sun.

    "Tears pour endlessly
    from a once azure hue
    as puddles form beneath
    the midnight moon."

    This is where I start to see some type of sadness in the poem. If you can make this into a music video, you would see a woman crying and her tears forming puddle. After that, the camera would move up to the full moon. The setting would be in Paris, France-You know, to keep it all love story like.

    "Unsettled sky, bleed out
    unwanted solitude,
    mix together with restless sea,
    impatiently, she calls for you."

    Okay, this is one thing that I didn't like. You used "bleed out". It makes me shiver away from the poem a little bit and there it comes to the color thing. Red usually means blood. You can't have red in a blue poem, you would get purple. Sorry, that was like the major turn off in this poem. I would of said "cry out" but then it would sound a bit like you were repeating yourself from the last paragraph.

    I'm stuck on this paragraph. I think it's the most difficult part to read in the poem. You come from a casade to azure to a rough blue. The sea is a rough thing to comprehend. So many things happen out there and we don't know about it. I'm getting that this girl doesn't want to be quiet about love for someone. She desires someone's love.

    "Beautiful color of sadness
    saturate through miles of ocean,
    paint across unlimited brilliant sky
    in search of happiness..."

    Oh yes. This I can do a whole page on if I had it with something to compare it to. The blues are songs that are usually sad and slow. You can compare music to the color hence that's where the genre of music got it's name.

    Blue is truely the color of sadness. I don't know why it is but it's just emotion and feelings. Blue is calm and is not much of a color involved with violence except for Crips and the gov, but that is a totally different story there.

    Oh yes, let's not forget that the sky is blue too. I almost forgot about that part. There are many fishes in the sea and many birds to observe. We might never find the right one, but it's in our best interest that we do seek them out.

    I believe that blue is color of the mind and is two-faced. It is used to show sadness and happiness. You can't be sad and happy at the same time unless it's the person shows fake content. What the color doesn't know is that it should be happy being itself and what it has.

    "lost in its own beauty."

    This is probably my favorite line. I don't know what else to say because if I stretched it, it could of been confusing.

    I like this poem. Continue to write more like this, but not exactly. Maybe you'll put a description. You know, give us some information and what you are looking for. I was confused at a part but all is good. Now I start to sound like a generic critiquer. I get why you called the poem "Blue". There's just more than water and the color itself.
    | Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish I could give a very long comment, but it'd be repetitive. :P So I'm just gonna say that it was awesome. Great metaphors! ^_^ Restless sea, haha! :D That's a great one. And it was really wonderful. :)
    | Posted on 2006-12-17 00:00:00 | by Fernando Corto | [ Reply to This ]
      Cascades of water fall
    with relentless flow of emotion
    uncertain where it will land
    longing for a turquoise lagoon.

    Tears pour endlessly
    from a once azure hue
    as puddles form beneath
    the midnight moon.

    Unsettled sky, bleed out
    unwanted solitude,
    mix together with restless sea,
    impatiently, she calls for you.

    Beautiful color of sadness
    saturate through miles of ocean,
    paint across unlimited brilliant sky
    in search of happiness...

    lost in its own beauty.


    Lorna, I'm back! And I must say--I am ever so glad that you kept up with the naturistic themes in your poetry. They strike a special wire of gold in my heart; (oooh, poetic, no?) and your imagery has lost none of its striking clarity.

    With that said, I must first point out your last stanza before the last line. Quite the best stanza in the poem, it takes the idea of the sky, the ocean (both saturated with ever bleeding blue, never ending) both stretching across the field of view on the horizon in both sky and earth, as if the blue could get lost on its way to the ends as it revels in its own beauty. I love how you personify it--I can feel the connection, and none of your connections seem forced. I also had to reread the stanzas to find your true connotations for each picture (made me think--good, good).

    However, with that positive feedback I must include some criticism. Your third stanza leaves me in puzzlement--I cannot find out what your purpose is in the stanza.


    Unsettled sky, bleed out
    unwanted solitude,
    mix together with restless sea,
    impatiently, she calls for you.

    Are you telling the unsettled sky to 'bleed out?' the unwanted solitude? (what is the unwanted solitude--should the blue not be alone, or something?) The action of 'bleeding out' is an ambiguous and negative action that doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. 'Diffuse' is a softer word, more at ease with the connotation in the stanza. Also: are you saying 'sky, mix with the sea because she imatiently calls for you?' (by the way, these questions are in coherent sentence form to clarify meaning and are by no means the way the poem should be written). I would just like this stanza to be a little less ambiguous, to make the whole poem simply shine. Overall, it is a good poem. This stanza is its only weak spot.

    I hope to hear from you soon! Keep in touch (meaning: review my shtuff!!!!!!! =]] )

    Maeve
    | Posted on 2006-12-13 00:00:00 | by Maevity | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. Another of yours concerning nature; gives strong imagery and really loved the contrasts of the water falling and "tears".

    You have used many contrasting words here such as beautiful and sadness. This gives a very confused theme to the poem which quite accurately reflects feelings one has in life at times.

    The ending is quite abrupt and surprising.

    I think you should either leave it at "search of happiness..." or write another stanza to finish.

    Other than that, as always very pleasant piece.

    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Nick_23 | [ Reply to This ]
      your writing has really improved here. You've got beautiful imagery through this ('a once azure hue'), but my favorite line is 'impatiently, she calls for you.' that to me is the crux of the poem. and though the last stanza's very lovely, it doesn't bring me back to her - or him, for that matter. that's the only flaw i see in this. just finalize this; it seems unfinished to me.

    peace, love and all that other junk,

    joe
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, a very beautiful write here,

    I find that this poem pulls me in two directions at the same time. One being the visuals of water that if used correctly can bring a calmness to the heart. Two being that there seems to be a loneliness here as to beauty.
    To have no equal in beauty is lonely. Your visuals are very vivid to me and it seems that this write has taken on a life of its own.
    I could go on and on and never do this write any justice.
    To say it is written well is an understatement so I will just say beautifuly done

    I liked it Lorna

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello,

    since the changes i like it much more! The first stanza feels much more comfortable to read.

    your poem, with all the water and colour, reminded me of this:

    'Great, wide, beautiful, wonderful world, with the wonderful water round you curled, and the wonderful grass upon your breast world you are beautifully dressed.'

    William Brighty Rands


    One of my all time favorites, so simple.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your poem is lovely and truly enjoyed reading it.I find the second stanza is exceptionally successful, I love "a once azure hue". Just one thing surprised me, namely that you have "saturate" and "paint" in lines 11 and 12. I interpret these as verbs agreeing with "Beautiful color of sadness" as the subject. Why then not "saturates" and "paints"? Or are they supposed to be imperatives with "Beautiful color of sadness" as a vocative form of address? (I find this hard to imagine). Surely, it can't be that there's an "s" missing on "color", that would not make sense. In any case, this is just a quibble, and that may just be the way you feel it should be.
    Thanks again,
    PH
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
      I wonder what inspired you to write about blue! Pleased you did though. Im not sure about he first stanza.

    with a rush of emotion – think it is this line. Dare I call it cliché?

    Which is a problem, because it is a typical line I would write... so who am I to comment.

    Other than that I liked the poem

    Especially

    as puddles form beneath
    the midnight moon.

    It paints a lovely picture. I saw washes of purple.


    Beautiful color of sadness

    And the positive and negative, I don’t know what it is called but I love the use of this. Something that is sad can be beautiful. Perhaps you can tell me what it is called when you do this?


    lost in its own beauty

    Love this ending, just a very short, sweet statement with no bells and whistles, just a matter of fact. You say it in a way that gives the impression the colour Blue has no idea it is so beautiful. that is the way I interpreted it anyway.

    If im honest I don’t like the colour blue, for me it is cold, corporate, conservative and the colour of the blood of Penguin in the Bat Man film… but I think I will like it a bit more after reading this. ;-)
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lorna,

    Blue is my favorite color in the whole wide world. Maybe because my mom always used to say that i was suppose to be born a boy. Who cares though, right.

    Your image in this piece reminds me so much of being close to the sea. Your words sometimes make me wonder if you live nearby a sea.

    The color blue symbolizes so many things mainly because of its depth and wonder. when someone thinks of blue, they think of the sky, the water which both contains depth that we can get lost in.

    you've portrayed all of that as always wonderfully. Nicely done.

    Take care....
    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna, this beautiful, and the metaphorical references make it a piece with endless contemplation possibilities! Blue, the color of the sky, the color of water, our mood when we're sad!! Blue, searching for a turquoise lagoon to join with like kind; awesome!
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      this is nice. i love the ocean, and thats the picture you painted. the addition of the dolphins for your pic is awesome too, they are my favorate animal.

    Tears pour endlessly
    from a once azure sky
    puddles form beneath
    the midnight moon.

    this has to be my favorate stanza. i love the picture i get from your words. and "lost in its own beauty"? so ture. great write, keep up the good work! ill check back soon, dont have much time to comment as i wish i could. ~Nichole
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by butterfly_chi5 | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Your take on blue is admirable
    In each and every way
    This poem is just outstanding
    And I've nothing else to say.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]


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