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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Boy in Yellowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: everafter
    Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 38/33/10
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/What you did
    Total Views: 118
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 621



    Description:
       A poem for the boy (yes, in yellow) that fixed my broken heart the day my world crumbled around me. Thank you c=


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBoy in Yellowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Daylight of the devil's kiss
    Aim unclear from above
    Hours of bittersweet tragedy
    That ended up in love

    Face aghast from a deathly blow
    That shook my very soul
    But along came a boy with quiet eyes
    Who fixed and made me whole

    "Look into my eyes", he said
    His face etched in concern
    "Walk with me," he whispered soft
    'Neath stars that persist to burn

    I pray you'll never come again
    Oh, day of my demise
    But thank you for the boy so tall
    My blessing in disguise




    Submitted on 2006-11-18 21:04:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is lovely and well penned! The rhyme and meter are good, and story is heart warming. Good work, kez!
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Daylight of the devil's kiss
    Aim unclear from above
    Hours of bittersweet tragedy
    That ended up in love

    Face aghast from a deathly blow
    That shook my very soul
    But along came a boy with quiet eyes
    Who fixed and made me whole

    best parts...overall good except where you wrote "whole" i think it kinda killed the flow and sensation, maybe if you wrote somethin like "who fixed the bullet hole and made barrenness entire" you know..somethin like that if you agree. cuz the thing that i didnt like was that it sounded a bit corny like blow, soul, whole, it would be better like a iii sound in there..i hope your getting me.

    "Daylight of the devil's kiss
    Aim unclear from above
    Hours of bittersweet tragedy
    That ended up in love"

    i think you should've add like somethin before love cuz itll make the lines end better instead of missing out the flow with just "that ended up in love". just one part is missing

    well i tried to give my feelings and thoughts about this poem, dont get me wrong i really liked it..you know i like your style! keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good. The flow is great. Keep the way it is. Great vocab. :)
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by DesecratedDream | [ Reply to This ]



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