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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Searching the graveyard of my minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 829
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 481



    Description:
       ‘Inspired’ from a chance meeting in Bakers Bar.. I saw [Person], I didn’t say much, she is with [Person]… Hi [Person]. Lol. Not sad, not happy, don’t hate her, do love her. Somewhere, in… my mind. ;-)


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    dotsSearching the graveyard of my minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Searching, scratching deep
    burrowing in the graveyard of my mind
    amongst, broken stones and bones
    lost souls and haunting ghosts of better times

    Caught in my forgotten memories
    trying to find
    your loving touch, your breath of life
    your presence one last time

    Unearthing rotten carcasses, empty as mine
    shattered dreams, promises un-kept
    broken hearts at best.
    Scar tissue, I cannot forget




    Submitted on 2006-11-19 10:26:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed reading this. It's concise, and to the point. It tells the story you're trying to convey using just the right amount of words, and I like that. It's an art to avoid using too many words, but still make a beautiful poem.

    The one nitpicky detail that was bothering me here is 'burrowing in the graveyard of my mind
    amongst, broken stones and bones' The comma between amongst and broken seems highly useless to me. It's not a break your voice would naturally make when reading it, and it trips you up, messing with the flow.
    | Posted on 2006-12-16 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. I like the title too. I dont think I can find much criticism for you on this one. Perhaps it is because I can relate to this one on a personal level. I know this feeling. This remembering, heart aching remembering. How torturous the heart is in its inability to forget. Loving someone you are no longer with is tough. You will always cherish the memories and even in some ways resent having them because of how they make you feel. And especially seeing this person again, that is the worst. The heart races, the stomach turns, and the thought lingers. Very heartfelt poem this is. But at least, according to your description, you have come to accept the things you cannot change. Tis all you can do. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading your poem, very moving and well worked out. The meaning and metaphors are clear and fit together well. The only place I tend to stumble as I read are the two last lines. I stumble both rhythmically and semantically. Do you mean that you "unearth broken hearts, or, at best, scar tissue?" What I think I understand is that scar tissue is the best you can find, a bit less bad that broken hearts: some healing/scarring has occurred. Maybe you might want to rework these two lines, especially that the last lines of a poem are really important. An idea goes through my head : shattered dreams, promises un-kept // broken hearts, scar tissue at best, // I cannot forget. (This is not a suggestion obviously, just an idea).

    Two details: "carcasses" with double "s" (not that this matters), and, more important, "can not" without the space (otherwise, you get the reading that "it is possible not to forget" rather than "it is not possible to forget"), so that one *does* matter for the meaning.

    Thanks again for a really enjoyable poem.
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the feel to this peom. I like the imigery. What i love more is how it matched. It captured the darkness of the subconsious or the back of our minds where all our memories are, but than you show that those times are dead. wonderful.
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by Manee69 | [ Reply to This ]


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