Description: ‘Inspired’ from a chance meeting in Bakers Bar.. I saw [Person], I didn’t say much, she is with [Person]… Hi [Person]. Lol. Not sad, not happy, don’t hate her, do love her. Somewhere, in… my mind. ;-)
Searching the graveyard of my mind -------------------------------------------
Searching, scratching deep
burrowing in the graveyard of my mind
amongst, broken stones and bones
lost souls and haunting ghosts of better times
Caught in my forgotten memories
trying to find
your loving touch, your breath of life
your presence one last time
Unearthing rotten carcasses, empty as mine
shattered dreams, promises un-kept
broken hearts at best.
Scar tissue, I cannot forget
I enjoyed reading this. It's concise, and to the point. It tells the story you're trying to convey using just the right amount of words, and I like that. It's an art to avoid using too many words, but still make a beautiful poem.
The one nitpicky detail that was bothering me here is 'burrowing in the graveyard of my mind amongst, broken stones and bones' The comma between amongst and broken seems highly useless to me. It's not a break your voice would naturally make when reading it, and it trips you up, messing with the flow.
I like this. I like the title too. I dont think I can find much criticism for you on this one. Perhaps it is because I can relate to this one on a personal level. I know this feeling. This remembering, heart aching remembering. How torturous the heart is in its inability to forget. Loving someone you are no longer with is tough. You will always cherish the memories and even in some ways resent having them because of how they make you feel. And especially seeing this person again, that is the worst. The heart races, the stomach turns, and the thought lingers. Very heartfelt poem this is. But at least, according to your description, you have come to accept the things you cannot change. Tis all you can do. Take care.
I enjoyed reading your poem, very moving and well worked out. The meaning and metaphors are clear and fit together well. The only place I tend to stumble as I read are the two last lines. I stumble both rhythmically and semantically. Do you mean that you "unearth broken hearts, or, at best, scar tissue?" What I think I understand is that scar tissue is the best you can find, a bit less bad that broken hearts: some healing/scarring has occurred. Maybe you might want to rework these two lines, especially that the last lines of a poem are really important. An idea goes through my head : shattered dreams, promises un-kept // broken hearts, scar tissue at best, // I cannot forget. (This is not a suggestion obviously, just an idea).
Two details: "carcasses" with double "s" (not that this matters), and, more important, "can not" without the space (otherwise, you get the reading that "it is possible not to forget" rather than "it is not possible to forget"), so that one *does* matter for the meaning.
i love the feel to this peom. I like the imigery. What i love more is how it matched. It captured the darkness of the subconsious or the back of our minds where all our memories are, but than you show that those times are dead. wonderful.