Description: This is a paint-swatch poem. Try going into a hardware store, getting some paint swatches, and writing a poem on the basis of the names of the colours. I really like the essence here, but I could use some help with the tenses and some of the word placings. I know I could rearrange a lot here. Ideas?
There is nothing I relish more
than to retreat to the green pastures of my mind.
I could imagine us together,
bathed in the peach glow of the setting sun.
With hearts afire, we could whisper
sweet nothings and time would disappear.
For a moment I could feel bashful
while gazing endlessly into the great lakes of your eyes.
We could share a moment of awkward sweetness
while we wonder if, for a moment,
we could see into each other's souls.
Our love is like a floral tapestry
on the silk sheets of my imagination.
Have you ever done guided meditation? The first lines of this remind me of just that & what a wonderful experience it can be. It is also amazing how what is imagined can be equally, if not more, real than what is reality. I used to do guided mediation with hospice patients & it seemed to put them in such a better state of being. I often had the people tell their family members about the beautiful drive they had taken that afternoon, even tho they had been in their beds the whole time.
Anyhoo, I love the details of this, how it is both imagined but contains real-life qualities, such as the awkward sweetness & being bashful. It made me smile & close my eyes & see where I could take myself.
Very interesting concept. It reads fairly well, and I just really like the idea of using paint swatches for inspiration.
I wish I could give more constructive advice, but it really just needs to be played with some more. Experiment and you'll find it. Other than that, just keep playing with ideas. It's good and fun. Definitely a fan.
I reckon, when you mention something lovely but familiar like peach glow of setting sun, you shouldn't follow it with a total cliché like sweet nothings! That part of the poem just crashed me! An unintended anticlimax or something.
The long lines are beautiful and the rhythm just perfectly carried out. The scansion, or plan for a line, is always varied a lot by the best loved poets, which is so risky but so necessary - and you do that so well.
I love the poem, it's as relaxing as a fresh coat of (good) paint.
I see we have the same likes. I LOVE paint swatches. I love the colors and names, and all those shades of a green or blue just blow me away. I love color poems. If you write it right, it's like staring at a painting, and the words are the shades of colors.
Very wonderful write... it's soft on the eyes and heart, deepening pastels without being electric or harsh on the senses.
"My Dear Soul Hugger--I find it very strange that there are no comments on this page other than the one I am presently creating. I feel oddly alone on this great white expanse, much like a flea on the page of a blank notebook. How can I put this delicately without causing you pain from the swelling of your head. I like this poem, along with others you have wrote, and hope to see many more. You have a flare for expression and wonderful insight.---Keep it up girl, your talent is rare."----Mugs---