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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: forging of identitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kristen Gudsnuk
    ASL Info:    21/f/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 182/229/86
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1049
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 952



    Description:
       jebus, wtf's with this poem! hehe! It came out like I was a woman possessed, and it started to rhyme without me even realizing it, then I decided not to rhyme anymore. Don't worry, I'm not a schizoid psycho killer. This is just one of those "It's 5:21 am" kinda poems. FYI: Estallar is the spanish verb for like blowing up, or bombs going off. I was going to put "it blows" but that sounded lame, like I was saying "it sucks" and estalla fit so comfortably there, like a baby in a cradle, that I didn't have the heart to take it out.
    I feel like this poem is AWKWARD! don't hate me! usually I mask my poems up a little bit with some wry cynicism, but I guess I just forgot to in this one. So I'll insert some wry cynicism here: [cynicism]hah! love me, ignore me, who really cares! hmph! [/cynicism]
    er, wow, this is turning into a journal entry, hehe.
    love,
    kristen


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsforging of identitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    talk to me talk to me talk to me please
    the sun gets in my eyes but the dark chills my veins
    leave me leave me leave me please
    either way estalla, so I'll take on all the pain
    martyr martyr martyr I
    will absorb it all into my heavy cross
    gobbling gobbling gobbling I
    bloody-palmed covet, at all costs

    love me, hug me, hate me, leave me
    don't laugh (but do, I need to know
    that I'm not just a phonebook of useless data
    let me entertain you)
    don't scorn me (but do, please entertain the
    notion that I may be the lowest of low,
    at least then I'd be the best at something)
    don't look past me, please do something
    I want to be, please make me be
    or ignore me, maybe I can sink down
    merge with the silt and become clay
    reverse until I'm God




    Submitted on 2006-11-20 04:41:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      talk to me talk to me talk to me please
    the sun gets in my eyes but the dark chills my veins
    leave me leave me leave me please
    either way estalla, so I'll take on all the pain
    martyr martyr martyr I
    will absorb it all into my heavy cross
    gobbling gobbling gobbling I
    bloody-palmed covet, at all costs

    love me, hug me, hate me, leave me
    don't laugh (but do, I need to know
    that I'm not just a phonebook of useless data
    let me entertain you)
    don't scorn me (but do, please entertain the
    notion that I may be the lowest of low,
    at least then I'd be the best at something)
    don't look past me, please do something
    I want to be, please make me be
    or ignore me, maybe I can sink down
    merge with the silt and become clay
    reverse until I'm God



    Well, this is an odd sort of humility taken to a twisted, self-abased conclusion! I don't if I agrre that degeneration of this type actually leads to any sort of power, divine or otherwise. Rather, I think this leads to the mistaken belief that such power is afforded to the weak because they allow themselves to be crushed so they will feel special/ loved/ a sense of belonging/ whatever. 'Please make me be?' That is a total abdication of self-esteem in favor of being externally defined by the values of somone else. This is an extremely well-written glimpse into the mind of someone so weak that their identity is a forgery.

    Of course, that's probably what you had in mind.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      The triplets are distracting as they are, but if you seperate them onto different lines such as,
    "Leave me
    Leave me
    Leave me please", they flow much better and add to your meaning rather than detract. I like the peom, but I still feel like it's not all it could be. I would probably also change the things in paranthesis. They seem too drawn out. Rather than making the thoughts long, make them short and abrupt. This is all just what I would do. it's not that the idea is bad, or even that the wrtining itself is bad. It just needs a bit of re-hashing. I think this could be an excellent piece of work with a few changes and a little more thought. yet again, just suggestions. Overall, nice work!
    Good Luck
    ~Clover
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      "(but do, I need to know
    that I'm not just a phonebook of useless data
    let me entertain you)."

    the triplet refrains somewhat distract me, but tis a choice, and as an author its your choice.

    "I want to be, please make me be
    or ignore me, maybe I can sink down
    merge with the silt and become clay
    reverse until I'm God"

    really great metaphysical finish to the piece. The notion of degenerating to regain the power of the almighty is really interesting.

    thanks for the write
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by googie | [ Reply to This ]


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