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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In Another's Handsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 825



    Description:
       Risky business... being in another's hands.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn Another's Handsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She was born into another's hands
    Her mother's warm embrace
    A sweet caress
    A silent tear
    Fell tenderly on her face

    She was guided by another's hands
    As childhood days flew by
    Taught to live
    Shown to love
    Ever under a watchful eye

    She was given into another's hands
    A woman bound by love
    Beaten down
    And trodden on
    A prayer whispered to God above

    Delivered by another's hands
    To stand up on her own
    A guarded heart
    A stubborn will
    Hell bent to take this world alone

    She was unprepared when love arose
    Making no demands
    And let her fall
    And held her close
    In another's hands




    Submitted on 2006-11-21 11:18:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Delivered by another's hands
    To stand up on her own
    A guarded heart
    A stubborn will
    Hell bent to take this world alone

    She was unprepared when love (arose)
    Making no demands
    And let her fall
    And held her close
    In another's hands



    You rolled into the last strophe with a vengeance and rescued the entire post from the catastrophe of a near cliché with a very nice series of closing lines. The suggestion that there was some conflict and abuse at the midpoint of the write created a great deal of torque/tension that made the conclusion of the post that much strnger. I agree with the previous post, 'upon' should be replaced with 'on' in the last line of the first stanza, and you might consider replacing 'snuck up' with 'arose' to give the first line of the last stanza a stronger close. Of course, you may use or disregard my suggestions as you see fit.

    Nicely done.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      There's not a whole lot I can really find to bash. There is a strong graps of asonnance here and while on one hand it's simple the other hand it works well. I didn't feel the repetion of "In another's hands" word in the last stanza I like the idea but the wording is akward or maybe just it's placement. A prayer? Just one? I just thought prayers might be better there. Anyway i'm off to kickbox. thank for the read I'll check out that collaberation sometime soon. peace

    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I was hoping to find something that had some solid emotion grabbing power and in reading this I managed to do so. A nice progression from "hands to hands" so to speak and I always love a happy ending like this one.

    My only suggestion might be to make the final line of each stanza match beats with the second line which provides the rhyme for it. This is presently evident only in the final stanza which manages to "sing" better.

    All in all, very nice and just what I needed to settle down before lunch. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I was hoping to find something that had some solid emotion grabbing power and in reading this I managed to do so. A nice progression from "hands to hands" so to speak and I always love a happy ending like this one.

    My only suggestion might be to make the final line of each stanza match beats with the second line which provides the rhyme for it. This is presently evident only in the final stanza which manages to "sing" better.

    All in all, very nice and just what I needed to settle down before lunch. Thanks.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this poem. Everything fits together. The repetition works perfectly for me, and the regularity of the pattern. And the inversion of the position of "another's hands" in the last stanza. All of this amplifies the emotions described.
    There's just one place where I have a very minor suggestion, in the first stanza, line 5, if you replace "upon" by "on", you will avoid three weak syllables in a row and it sounds better to me that way. Thank you for sharing this.
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]


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    125979

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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