The Well-worn Chapter Book by clovernfoxglove

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Submission Name: The Well-worn Chapter Book dots

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Author:	clovernfoxglove
Elite Ratio:	5.16 - 76/83/33
Words:	140

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	116
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	903

Description:
I worte this to express how I've felt lately. It's a bit depressing, mind that when you read it. Do what you like with it, I can't help what you think.

The Well-worn Chapter Book dots

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In a journal,
faithful chronicle of ages past,
I read the graceful notes,
kind and gentle to the last.

So many people written in slots
ready to be the subject of prayer,
in the righteous mind of my good friend
forever sweet and fair.

As I sit looking at this
well-worn chapter
I can only think sadly
of a time that will come after.

I cannot keep her forever
this one that I do hold so dear.
I wish I could always have my "Gran",
so I wouldn't have to fear.

In the feeble months since her
One love's death,
I see the fragility
and still have to fret

for the day the I will lose
such a glorious picture,
a never-ending good example,
who will be a permanent fixture.

Submitted on 2006-11-21 21:07:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I'll start wiyh what I enjoyed. The assonance of o and e sound in particular was beautiful. The rhyme of prayer and fair- not perfect but it show more thought then perfect rhyme.

I felt some things were worded awardly.
I feel the rhyme is somewhat forced. Your choice of words is fine but it'e the tiny words between that seem clumsy.
i
"and still have to fret"
I think what make this line akwar to me is the begining And in conjunction with have. I hope this was helpful overall good write good sentiment. peace

| Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a wonderfully beautiful poem with a lot of sentiment (you seem to have quite a knack for that-- brava hun).
It reminded me of my grandfather's passing, and the hardships that befell my entire family-- having lost its rock.

There is minor confusion in the poem however because as reading the beginning you sort of get the feeling that it was the author of the book/journal who passed, but then, in the second to last stanza there's a contradiction to that. So I think that the all around message of the piece could be cleared up with a little bit of work-- just make it a little easier for the reader to see what it is you are portraying here.
Maybe put the who and what you are talking about closer to the beginning of the poem-- perhaps switch out 'good friend' with 'Gram' or something and put 'good friend' a little later in the poem-- just so that the reader will quickly be able to associate to what you're talking about, so that they are not reading the poem wondering who exactly this person is.
It takes away from the poem a little bit.

"for the day the I will lose"
Is the second 'the' supposed to be 'that'? If so, that would make a lot more sense. *laughs*

And there's my critique hun.
I pray things feel better for you. But this poem, though 'depressed' shows a ray of hope in that you can still see the kindness and light.
Good luck with everything hun.
~Ana.
| Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ana_Mad | [ Reply to This ]
  Your poem reminds me of my late Grandma, she also was gentle and kind, and wrote the most beautiful poems.
| Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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