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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: crashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frenchie_inlove
    ASL Info:    13, f
    Elite Ratio:    2.43 - 6/12/8
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 160
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 741



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscrashdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every night, day, morning
    I try
    I try to spread my wings
    fly through the open window
    into my feelings
    feelings of love, sadness, hatred
    feelings that i cant fight through
    feelings i cant express
    Through my heart i see
    i see who i would like to be
    and as if it was right there
    in the midth of air
    you crash
    into a 5000 piece puzzle
    exploding pieces thrash
    and ruin the work of art
    so your left feeling empty
    like you cant get to your dream
    and thats how i feel now
    the story of my life
    complicated and confusing
    doesnt make sence
    and no one to help me
    thats the story of my life




    Submitted on 2006-11-22 12:33:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The words night and day are very general to me, I think you could switch words up --play with them. Day, and morning are basically the same, so it's a repeat you might consider changing. I don't think you need to repeat, 'feelings' three times, it takes away from your piece, the reader already has a sense that 'you're feeling things. I really liked imagery 'exploding 5000 piece puzzle' but you say you crash into it --to me that's a little confusing, but your feelings throughout the poem are confused/and painful, and that's what I am left with at the end.

    good job.
    <3

    Stephy
    | Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by burningover_out | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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