Wetness of your eye by shabnam

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Submission Name: Wetness of your eye dots

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Author:	shabnam
ASL Info:	23 f Germany
Elite Ratio:	4.35 - 322/248/45
Words:	98

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	172
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	617

Description:

Wetness of your eye dots

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With a sigh I watch the winds that pass me by
Being lucky enough to blow on your face
And kiss the diamond tears in your eye
Leaving me with a question “why”

Sore clouds bring the message of liquid sunshine
While dropping down your face
They revolutionize into wine
With grim smile telling me: “Not yours, he is mine”

Footloose autumn leaves with wounded spirits dance to your feet
Ebullience running through them, as they feel your heat
We stand here face to face
Still lonely my breaths and still dry my heartbeat

Submitted on 2006-11-22 13:38:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hey.
i hit random user coz there wasnt anything on the recent posts page and here i am.
hope you dont mind

i think you might wanna change the title of this piece. im not sure what to but the current title just seems so... out of place.
as if the reader doesnt have to read your piece because there isnt any intrigue as to what is going on...

now im not sure how long ago this was posted or whether you have anything more recent but i cannot help but see that you subscribe to the magic formula of 4 line stanzas and rhyme for this piece. i do not think it holds all the answers you want it to. i think there is some merit to be said in that this formula doesnt restrict your meaning/ideas as much as it could but i still think it stiffles the ability for your idea here to breathe and be understood to its full potential.

(and just a quicky: your rhyme is out in the last stanza... the first stanza is A,B,A,A the second is A,B,A,A and the third is A,A,B,A ...)

i think you have some beautiful imagery streaking through this piece but i think you need to take that imagery and make it GO somewhere. you are a little too vague in the question of WHY. it is important enough to be there but other than him not being yours you dont venture so far as to tell the reader who he is and why you want him to be yours... i think you need to guts it up some. tell the reader you reason for anguish.

dunno... just my ideas...

| Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  This is full of wonderfully poetic images and language ... after the first stanza it reads more as a prose poem than anything else ... very fine, very fine, indeed ... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... Michael
| Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  Short, very beautiful and a well-written poem but this time it says what you really feel deep into your heart.. I like most this line my dear:

"Still lonely my breaths and still dry my heartbeat.. "

This line summerizes everything you want to convey to the reader.. Good Job.

| Posted on 2006-12-01 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
  This was awsome!!! I love the way you write!! It gives me chills!!! Great write!!!
I addes it to my fav's.
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]

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