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    dots Submission Name: was it?dots

    Author: lauren hamill
    ASL Info:    24/f/can't say really.
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 52/30/14
    Words: 402
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 722
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2657

       a crazy memory never dealt with

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswas it?dots

    Your skin sweating onto mine
    Alcohol soaked breath
    Throwing flames at me
    I was only 17
    You were only 22
    is it rape
    if I was in love with you?
    I kept quiet because
    I didnít want your sister to hear
    My best friend,
    Surely sheíd be pissed to know
    I was in bed with her brother
    But I had longed to have you this near.
    Yet, it wasnít how I imagined
    You were drunk
    I was a fuck
    I didnít want to say yes
    And I didnít want to say no
    I whispered softly
    I know you could hear
    This was not what I wanted
    But you wouldnít let go
    You held my wrists so tight
    Thrusting into me with determination
    And apathy
    I had no chance
    There was no point to struggle
    Because to fight would have meant
    That I was being raped.

    So silently I gave in.

    I closed my eyes.
    A couple jabs
    And you were out
    I was alone with the night.
    I probably cried
    I donít quite remember.
    I know the next day
    You acted the same.
    We actually went
    On a couple dates.
    I diluted myself into
    Thinking it was not

    But it was.

    Older now,
    Looking back on it now,
    I can see how
    You were wrong.
    I can see
    how you ignored
    My quiet pleas
    To let me go.
    You acted like it
    Was a game.
    I felt ridiculous
    For resisting you so.

    But, now

    Older now
    Wiser now
    Knowing now
    Hurting now
    Healing now
    I know now
    That we both
    Know what that was
    That was not love
    I was a fuck.

    Years later
    Iím in the shower,
    (the shower !)
    and I havenít thought
    of you in years.
    All that is so far
    Behind me,
    Never actually
    Ever in front of me.
    But, why today?
    Why not yesterday,
    Or tomorrow?
    Was it the day?
    Was it the same smell
    In the air?
    The same temperature
    Of the hot and
    Cold on my back?
    As it was that day?
    Do I hurt
    Down there
    Like I did that day?
    What did
    You give me,
    Something Iím sure.
    Today, of
    All days
    I sit here and write of you.
    Eight years later,
    So much older
    Much wiser
    Much stronger
    Much braver,
    I can now
    Deal with you.

    Submitted on 2006-11-22 16:48:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it was wrong and should never had been done... they dont understand that though... they want to justify it but they'll never know the pain you went through the self-loathing you gave in to...
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good. Captures the event descriptively. I think this piece is good in that I believe many woman have found themselves in similar situations. Too often. The lines: There was no point to struggle because to fight would have meant that I was being raped, was wonderful. Denial of the truth of the situation, to find some sanity in an event that was out of control. The realization that it wasn't your fault and was his instead is the first step to healing and one I think is hardest for most women to come to. Bravo. I hope it helps the people it need to.
    | Posted on 2006-11-28 00:00:00 | by Scribner | [ Reply to This ]
      Well congratulations for overcoming and dealing with this atrocity. I thought this write was very descriptive in it's simplicity and conveyed the message of strength. It takes a while to deal with such issues. It takes courage and from this piece I can tell that you have that. Again good write and this one is a keeper. I have had to deal with alotta things that I will not disclose here but I do admire your boldness of writing about it in such a manner.

    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by fryte | [ Reply to This ]
      very impressive. very expressive. I like it. It holds a lot of pain and a lot of healing in both.
    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by Desolate_beauty | [ Reply to This ]

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