Who am I to you?
A mirror image of myself
I am not.
I listened carefully.
I read in between the lines.
I laughed on cu.e
Straightened my lips with a flash of a wink,
Sat up straight, and drank from my pinky cup.
I did not drink
I did not smoke
I did not cuss.
I was the perfect combination of everything I thought you’d want.
Unintentionally, I did this to you.
I mislead you before I made you
To believe before
I was ever ok
With all the things that possess me.
Your passion was surprising.
I wasn’t ready for such force.
The bruises on my breasts
Bring chills down my spine and warmth
In between my legs.
I thought this would be easy
This kind of love.
What is it, really?
You don’t know me.
As I light my first cigarette in a week
And drink the first beer in two
I prepare for your visit tonight.
You will see me cringe
Under the unflattering
Squirming, I will squirm
In front of your eyes. As you
Pass your judgments and call
It a night. You will not see
The beauty in my flaws,
In the ugliness I possess. For
My beauty was much more intoxicating
To you. God I saw right through
You, I knew what you were about how
Happy this all made you
And I played, I played this
Game of adult charades.
It is over now.
Come say good-bye.
To the girl you loved from far away,
The girl you loved with the crease of your smile.
She is no more real than the bulge between your thighs.
I am sorry. I wish I was
What you thought I should be.
But, really, do you want that kind of perfectivity?
My ugliness is real and dangerous and can turn
Any living, breathing man to stone. Because they
Know I am fucked up much more than I care
To admit, much more than I will ever
Let on. I am the picture-perfect of
Whatever, whomever, you’d like me to be.
I do it flawlessly, with no mistakes.
I’ve become so good at covering myself up
That the layers are too thick to ever
Chipping paint on that old window sill,
My heart longs for that acceptance only
I can bring.