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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Serenity Fucked....dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: psyko
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 376/168/66
    Words: 262
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1166
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1708



    Description:
       Kinda fucked up.... see if you understand it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSerenity Fucked....dots
    -------------------------------------------


    (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.)

    With your last breath you breathe your first taste of death. Behold, your life amounts to nothing, and you shall see no more.

    (The courage to change the things I can)

    Your strength leaves you, as weakness engulfs your body. Behold, your time has run out as you escape this world.

    (And the wisdom to know the difference today.)

    It's the predator's first taste of blood. His eyes portray the wild. His nostrils flair in excitement... He's hooked.

    It's the murderer's first kill. His eyes form his twisted smile, his breath quickens in the rush... It's not his last.

    Let life prevail?
    Hell no!
    What's the fun in that?
    Mikey found a way to kill,
    And to avoid the jail cell.
    Mikey's rush entraps his soul,
    His guilt,
    It's turned to guilty pleasure.
    His goal is fulfilled,
    His thirst quenched for now.

    Who shall be the next victim?
    Who shall he paralyze next?
    What will come in due time?
    Who's family shall he soon vex?

    The rush of being caught
    Inside his corner,
    Will return with the report,
    Of an honest coroner,
    But the power of paper shall keep him safe...

    Mikey's on his edge
    Facing his worst fear
    But not alone
    For his paper trail has been cleared.
    Crimes against humanity
    Are no reason to trap the beast;
    His killer instinct has paved....
    The way for his release.




    Submitted on 2006-11-22 23:37:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very Captivating. Sorry it took me eons to reply to your message. It sounds like a good deal. I like this write. I love its darkness. The descriptiveness of being inside the mind of a killer. His sick and twisted ways deviating from societal norms. I like it. Can't wait to read more.

    --Christine
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by kissingadict | [ Reply to This ]
      Starts off with an interesting interpretation of life and death

    With your last breath you breathe your first taste of death. Behold, your life amounts to nothing, and you shall see no more.

    Life does amount to nothing in the end, big or small rich or poor we all still die.
    The poem overall I would say left an impact on me, both literally and figuratively (imagery is really vivid) but for some reason I fail to see how Mikey connects to the life and death thing, unless of course the death part is seen from his victim's point of view?
    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all im not big on religion (okeis dont have one) but i love the serenity prayer. Lets see what i can do for you honey.

    " (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.)

    With your last breath you breathe your first taste of death. Behold, your life amounts to nothing, and you shall see no more.

    (The courage to change the things I can)

    Your strength leave you, as weakness engulfs your body. Behold, your time has run out as you escape this world."

    This seems more realistic than the orriginal prayer. I love it. Nothing i can fix up in the puncuation department so thats. This is [censored]ed up its actually ingenious and would be a better compliment if i could FRIGGEN spell.
    The way you introduced us to life and death with no diffrence involved, the way they become a part of eachother. There is death in life before you truly die no?

    But....

    Do you think its a little early in your poem or whatever you wished this to be to introduce us to the death? life is the begining as is death (for those who have religous values) and obviously you but an aspect of life after death...or so it seems to me. am i making any sence at all here!

    " (And the wisdom to know the difference today.)

    It's the predator's first taste of blood. His eyes portray the wild. His nostrils flair in excitement... He's hooked.

    It's the murderer's first kill. His eyes form his twisted smile, his breath quickens in the rush... It's not his last."

    Now this actually brings pleasure to my mind. Like that of sex or something closley related. The pleasure this killer must feel...the first drop of his/her victems blood must send theres racing to ectasy. The feel of over powering the feel of absolute control yet the total loss of it. and you bring to us the beauty seen in the evil. Beautiful work my friend.

    How does this relate to your first part? easily it is as if you showed the victems side first a simple middle class male never satisfied with his lot in life until his last drawn breath. Or am i reading to much into this?

    Let me ask you a question my dear friend.
    If i was to leave and never come back would you miss me? if i was to die how would you ever know? if i was to dissapear woud any though of me enter our frozen minds? Or is these questions that i am asking nothing but a shallow thought of someone who seeks attention? sorry to digress tried to do it again failed again got me thinking...again.moving on my dear and wounderous friend.

    "Let life prevail?
    Hell no!
    What's the fun in that?
    Mikey found a way to kill,
    And to avoid the jail cell.
    Mikey's rush entraps his soul,
    His guilt,
    It's turned to guilty pleasure.
    His goal is fulfilled,
    His thirst quenched for now."

    Hmm michael myers perhaps? *giggles*
    i love how you begin with a rehtorical question then allow us to have the simple known answer.
    His his his you use that a lot you might want to add another part or so to it or add a more imaginative phrasing or word that becomes your own. Your a sales person think of this as a slogan you wish to pop out and grab your reader. Though beautifully written you still have room for improvment.

    "Who shall be the next victim?
    Who shall he paralyze next?
    What will come in due time?
    Who's family shall he soon vex?"

    this to me seems pointless. Yes very well spoken but you dont need this stanza at all you already have your frightening words in the begining its like a drawn out soap opera, not to be rude but this doesnt need to be here honey.

    "The rush of being caught
    Inside his corner,
    Will return with the report,
    Of an honest coroner,
    But the power of paper shall keep him safe..."

    ah so beautifully and simply true. Sadly in our economey the power of paper has reached an all time
    favorite among those in crime. You can buy a cop hire someone to do your own dirty work all for a good weight of this "paper' that shall buy your life. i love how you are so damn realistic and no suger caoting of this so called "drama" its a real life sort of thing happens all the time and in the end the good never win the young and old die and the orphans remain in this cracked system we say saves their lives. Wounderful.

    "Mikey's on his edge
    Facing his worst fear
    But not alone
    For his paper trail has been cleared.
    Crimes against humanity
    Are no reason to trap the beast;
    His killer instinct has paved....
    The way for his release. "

    god this is a wounderful [censored] ending! im actually impressed. damn havent been in a while. and i have nothing clever or even seemenly smart to add to this my dearest friend. Other than a favorite of mine for sure.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*

    P.S.

    long story been away for a while and as [censored]ed up as ever but we bi polars are better are we not? Yes i have listened to your words i hope you dont get offended by my chosen words for your poem.



    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      it's good, written really well, but what is the story? it is injustice?
    personally, i get mixed feelings from this.
    i agree that it's intense, your words have a punch to them.
    i'm just unsure what it is you're saying...does that make sense?
    | Posted on 2006-11-23 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW!!! That is intence.
    | Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by Desolate_beauty | [ Reply to This ]


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