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*Forbidden Fruit*

Author: pixie_007
Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 45 /77 /63
Words: 110
Class/Type: Poetry /Religious
Total Views: 1465
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 776


*Forbidden Fruit*

As the trees blossomed inside God's Mighty Garden,
Flowers bloomed and gave forth new life unto Adam,unto Eve.

As the trees grew strong and their friut turned ripe,
God's children Adam and Eve dilighted in all the tree's goodness.

All but one tree was to be touched in God's Mighty Garden,
All but that at the centre of the Garden of Eden.

But because we are mortals,God's children disobeyed,
And so tasted the forbidden fruit which belonged unto God.

Mere mortals they were,unto them knowledge bestowed,
Yet He banished them from His garden,still he forgave them...

And because we are mortals,God's children disobey....

Submitted on 2006-11-24 15:11:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  thanx for encouraging me to check out more of your stuff.
im glad i read this.
for the most part it is a good solid clear write. writing from the days before you were aflicted by writers block. may you find these days again. and soon.

now me myself... i cannot write about god or what he means to me or his place in my life or anything at all. its not for lack of trying but rather everything sounds so trite and cliché when i write about him... i cannot express anything even remotely decently.

for the most part people on this site who write "christian" poetry frustrate me.

*rant alert*
(only a tiny one and it will have a context in this comment... promise )

you know... the way christians write pieces that start of "my life is crap... i cant go on..." and then the last coupla lines say something like "but god you found me and saved me and turned my life around" which is great except for the fact that i know most of these ppl's lives are still really hard and screwed up and everything so it kinda seems fake and misrepresented.
they remind me of psalms... but untrue ones.
you know the way a lot of the psalms start off with GOD! WHERE ARE YOU! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! full of anguish and grief and then they go on to talk about all the ways god has been there in the past... the way he has strengthened the writer and helped him through and then the end is full of faith that god will do the same thing again... it is not saying that everything is beautiful and fixed and easy but it is saying that their perspective has changed and they are not as doom and gloom and angry at god as they were at the start... and you see the way quite a lot of "christian" writers misrepresent this change in perspective with "everything is perfect now and my life is brilliant"...
christian writings grrr me for the most part.

then theres pieces like this that retell scriptural stories. i mean... ive been in church circles for a long time now and ive heard the stats about the number of people who will never hear the gospel message and who will never hear about god or any of the stories from the bible and so in posting this piece you may be changing those stats somewhat which is admirable... very much so.
so congrats on posting this piece.

i think though that you paint this story with quite a dark brush. i know that the story seems quite hopeless... the way mankind failed god but there is also hope in this passage. lol... i just realised im prolly sounding majorly fanatical right now but anyways... if youre interested in hearing a coupla most awesome thoughts on the first 2 chapters of genesis lemme know... ill PM them to you.

i think it would be cool if you had a play with formatting. i know that formatting is an effort on this site but it does pay off. it makes your work visually attractive and also gives it whole new layers and ways of interpretation. right now it seems kinda... impersonal and lecture like in some ways which isnt always a bad thing coz sometimes saying things straight is the best way...

you dont gotta do anything with this but i just wanna show you whatelse this piece is capable of coz it really does have STACKS of potential!

trees blossom ,
Flowers bloom
inside God's Mighty Garden
gaving forth new life
unto Adam,
unto Eve.

trees grew strong
friut ripened
God's children,
Adam and Eve,
delight in the [tree's] goodness.

All but one tree
All but that at the centre
of the Garden
my children"

Mere mortals they were
and like children disobeyed
unto them knowledge was bestowed.
He banished them from His garden,
still he forgave them
still he loved

And because we are mortals,
God's children,
we disobey.

can you see the way this still tells the same story with almost the same words you used just pruned some? like i said before you dont have to do anything with it at all... its just to show you some of the differences formatting and tweaking can do to a piece.

i think, even if you dont do anything with the ideas ive left here i think you should change or take out the part in the fourth part that says "but because we are mortal..." because at this stage in the piece there is no "we" its still around adam and eve so it is out of context.

but really. i like this. i like pieces that show potential to be so much more and this piece is very unlimited potential wise.
good stuff.
| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I must admit that it was a bit hard to follow...kind of choppy. Was there a certain structure you were trying to follow? Because it didn't quite work out. Your theme, although not a brand new and fresh one, is interesting and could really go somewhere. Maybe just try starting over or something? But you do have a good basis! Keep Writing!!!
Peace, LucyDiamond
| Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
Not because we are mortals do we disobey.
Rather, Adam and Eve were given the gift of
free will, they chose to disobey,
then they became mortal,
eternal life was taken from them.
and all who lived afterward.

We had immortality in front of us.
All we had to do...was obey.

The write was pretty good.
But false.
| Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]

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