[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: *I left Tomorrow's Yesterday Today...*dots

    Author: pixie_007
    Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 45/77/63
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 889


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots*I left Tomorrow's Yesterday Today...*dots

    I tried to get inside his mind,
    and ask what its about.
    But he looked at me strangely,
    and simply said "Get out".

    At first I stood there just waiting,
    hoping he'd ask me to stay.
    But when he turned his head to the door,
    I knew he wanted me to go away.

    My feet stumbled as I walked down the hall
    I tried really hard not to lose it all

    My mind spun wild,
    and I wanted to scream out loud.
    Now that nothing else mattered,
    all I could do was doubt.

    My thoughts wondered off,
    to a time when the bond was strong.
    But now as I look back to his room,
    I feel like we can barely get along.

    My knees buckled as I reached the end of the hall,
    And suddenly I lost my balance and felt myself fall...

    Submitted on 2006-11-24 15:12:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, I like that the meter gets more and more irregular, because it adds to the pain that develops throughout the poem. And I really like the stumbling stanzas :D Nice write!
    | Posted on 2006-11-25 00:00:00 | by Morilla | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, the first stanza works out nicely! I was excited to start reading this poem once I read the first stanza, because I thought 'goody! It will have consistent meter!' Haha. But it kind of gets ruined at "I knew he wanted me to go away." The rest of the poem seems forced because you chose to rhyme so consistently, you know? Sometimes I do that too...I'm like....well, I need a word to rhyme with 'orange' and then I have to find some way to magically craft the word 'porridge' into my poem....and it doesn't even rhyme anyway. So I would maybe try not to be so forced.

    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]