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    dots Submission Name: Crying Soldierdots

    Author: rocker5871
    Elite Ratio:    1.37 - 191/147/90
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 975
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1326


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrying Soldierdots

    Here I am, beloved,
    Your crying soldier
    Fighting again for your love,
    Missing you more and more,

    On the front lines for my own heart,
    When weíre so many miles apart,

    Iíll fight for you,
    Iíll die for you.

    Sitting alone; all the troops are gone,
    Thereís only one; only one left by dawn.

    Looking up at the sky ,
    Wondering if you are too,
    No matter where I am,
    Iím always thinking of you,

    Camouflaged in red,
    To match the blood Iíll shed,

    Iím out of ammunition,
    And I donít even know,
    Who the enemy is,
    But I wonít let it show.

    Crouched to the ground
    Nobodyís around

    Not a living soul.
    So I let out a sob of dread
    Iím afraid by nightís end
    The flame will be dead

    Iím scared of everything thatís not you,
    Terrified of every figure in the night,
    I sit still, afraid of the possibilities,
    Possibilities in the lack of sight.

    Iíll be sore in the morning
    But when the battle is over and ended
    Weíll be back
    As if it was all only pretended

    Submitted on 2006-11-24 21:02:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      oooo i love this! it sounds like it could be a song, and i love the soldier's view that you give to it! Because it's not really necessarily spoken by a soldier...i mean it COULD be one if you wanted to make it that way...but that's why it's cool...cuz so many people could take it and put whoever they wanted into the speaker's position and find some way to make it fit in their life! However, it does seem rather directed toward a romance type relationship from the first few stanzas...that's what i think makes it sound like a song though.

    the only thing i might change is the format...like take out the double spacing...i know it doesn't really seem like double spacing does anything to the flow, but it makes the reader accidentally pause, like the space is another line...and it would all go smoother if it were not there. just a suggestion

    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot :-). You should read the book, "The Things They Carried".
    | Posted on 2006-12-03 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this piece here. there really is nothing i found wrong with it. the idea is one everyone can relate to and i could almost see the person fighting. good job keep it up. joanna
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I decided to give you a return comment for your kind words on "Romance Story." And I'm glad I chose this piece to do that on.

    The subject you chose is a worn one, but always good. Fighting for love is never a lost cause, no matter what those around us might say. Hence why I liked this work so much. But there are a few things I'd like to nitpick...though sometimes I bore people with my words. Sorry...I'll just get to it then.

    The spaces drove me BONKERS. I kept having to scroll down, and I just didn't see any reason for them. Maybe remove them for easier reading, or think of some other effective way to use them? They just made it hard to continue the understanding of this heartfelt work.

    I had no problem with the whole thing, until I reached the very ending. Forced rhyming felt like it was used here and I practically fell over with disappointment.

    "Weíll be back
    As if it was all only pretended"

    It's trippy. Like, my mouth has to read it a couple times, my brain has to make sense of it a few times more, and then I stare it at it because I can't fathom that you use "pretended" in such a strange context! It doesn't work, to be simple. Just use "As if it was only pretend" and it might work just as well. Or, if you still need help rhyming something similar, go here: http://www.rhymer.com/ for rhyming help. It's a very nice tool; I use it myself when I get stuck.

    Anyway, all in all, the imagery and such were incredible. Keep it up. You've done a lot for your age. Tweaking is all that's needed. Well done! ^_^

    | Posted on 2006-11-25 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it ~!!~ Good work
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by Dramaqueen | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm... so many different thoughts between it. I don't know if you were only trying to portray the life of a solider, but I felt like there was an underlying current of love and wanting. All in all, pretty good use of visual
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by caelyn | [ Reply to This ]

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