[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Crying Soldierdots

    Author: rocker5871
    Elite Ratio:    1.37 - 191/147/90
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 895
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1326


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrying Soldierdots

    Here I am, beloved,
    Your crying soldier
    Fighting again for your love,
    Missing you more and more,

    On the front lines for my own heart,
    When weíre so many miles apart,

    Iíll fight for you,
    Iíll die for you.

    Sitting alone; all the troops are gone,
    Thereís only one; only one left by dawn.

    Looking up at the sky ,
    Wondering if you are too,
    No matter where I am,
    Iím always thinking of you,

    Camouflaged in red,
    To match the blood Iíll shed,

    Iím out of ammunition,
    And I donít even know,
    Who the enemy is,
    But I wonít let it show.

    Crouched to the ground
    Nobodyís around

    Not a living soul.
    So I let out a sob of dread
    Iím afraid by nightís end
    The flame will be dead

    Iím scared of everything thatís not you,
    Terrified of every figure in the night,
    I sit still, afraid of the possibilities,
    Possibilities in the lack of sight.

    Iíll be sore in the morning
    But when the battle is over and ended
    Weíll be back
    As if it was all only pretended

    Submitted on 2006-11-24 21:02:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      oooo i love this! it sounds like it could be a song, and i love the soldier's view that you give to it! Because it's not really necessarily spoken by a soldier...i mean it COULD be one if you wanted to make it that way...but that's why it's cool...cuz so many people could take it and put whoever they wanted into the speaker's position and find some way to make it fit in their life! However, it does seem rather directed toward a romance type relationship from the first few stanzas...that's what i think makes it sound like a song though.

    the only thing i might change is the format...like take out the double spacing...i know it doesn't really seem like double spacing does anything to the flow, but it makes the reader accidentally pause, like the space is another line...and it would all go smoother if it were not there. just a suggestion

    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot :-). You should read the book, "The Things They Carried".
    | Posted on 2006-12-03 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this piece here. there really is nothing i found wrong with it. the idea is one everyone can relate to and i could almost see the person fighting. good job keep it up. joanna
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I decided to give you a return comment for your kind words on "Romance Story." And I'm glad I chose this piece to do that on.

    The subject you chose is a worn one, but always good. Fighting for love is never a lost cause, no matter what those around us might say. Hence why I liked this work so much. But there are a few things I'd like to nitpick...though sometimes I bore people with my words. Sorry...I'll just get to it then.

    The spaces drove me BONKERS. I kept having to scroll down, and I just didn't see any reason for them. Maybe remove them for easier reading, or think of some other effective way to use them? They just made it hard to continue the understanding of this heartfelt work.

    I had no problem with the whole thing, until I reached the very ending. Forced rhyming felt like it was used here and I practically fell over with disappointment.

    "Weíll be back
    As if it was all only pretended"

    It's trippy. Like, my mouth has to read it a couple times, my brain has to make sense of it a few times more, and then I stare it at it because I can't fathom that you use "pretended" in such a strange context! It doesn't work, to be simple. Just use "As if it was only pretend" and it might work just as well. Or, if you still need help rhyming something similar, go here: http://www.rhymer.com/ for rhyming help. It's a very nice tool; I use it myself when I get stuck.

    Anyway, all in all, the imagery and such were incredible. Keep it up. You've done a lot for your age. Tweaking is all that's needed. Well done! ^_^

    | Posted on 2006-11-25 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it ~!!~ Good work
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by Dramaqueen | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm... so many different thoughts between it. I don't know if you were only trying to portray the life of a solider, but I felt like there was an underlying current of love and wanting. All in all, pretty good use of visual
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by caelyn | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Linger written by saartha
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Bond written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    Giving written by jjd
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]