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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Ringdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PrettyLostGirl
    ASL Info:    17/F/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 15/31/12
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 591
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 371



    Description:
       I don't remember when I wote this. I found it behind the tv yesterday. I remember being tierd and not caring that the poem was on the back of an ad for DORMHUTdotCOM. I think it has potential, maybe.


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    dotsThe Ringdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've lost the ring
    I'm so sorry.
    With it I lost the beach
    the boardwalk
    your sky eyes
    and white crested smile,
    the scrape of sand
    the taste of salt
    seaweed hair
    and jellyfish burns
    bonfires and interlaced fingers.
    I've lost the ring--
    the memory.
    I'm so sorry.




    Submitted on 2006-11-24 21:34:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm. Yes, it has potential.

    "With it I lost the beach
    the boardwalk
    your sky eyes
    and white crested smile,
    the scrape of sand
    the taste of salt
    seaweed hair
    and jellyfish burns
    bonfires and interlaced fingers."

    Don't change a thing about this part- the ring and the memories it held, these all seem very real and too personal to be false. So there's a little bit of truth here, and one of my professors once said that that's a requirement of all great writing.

    As far as the ring itself goes, though, I'm not sure what kind of ring it is. You seem to imply that you've lost the memories held in the ring because you can no longer count on that person to help you remember, only the ring. So it's an engagement ring, or a promise ring (how blah) or a wedding ring or just a ring, I don't know. But if that person's not there, why are you saying sorry? Why is the memory lost if the person the memory was made with is still present? This leaves more questions than it answers, and I'd love to see you expand upon it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece and i agree on the potential part... When reading I got the feeling that maybe the ring belonged to someone who had either passed away or left your life? I liked the words you used to describe your feelings about said person, seems like whoever it was they made you feel warm inside every time you thought of or spoke to them...
    And upon losing the ring you lost you final memories of them?

    I'd add some punchuation, and maybe elaborate on the relationship you had with this person... Other than that enjoyable read. I'll look out for more of your work, and if you update this one please be sure to give me a holler so i can have a read.

    Nice piece

    Danny
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]


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