[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Ringdots

    Author: PrettyLostGirl
    ASL Info:    17/F/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 15/31/12
    Words: 48
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 371

       I don't remember when I wote this. I found it behind the tv yesterday. I remember being tierd and not caring that the poem was on the back of an ad for DORMHUTdotCOM. I think it has potential, maybe.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Ringdots

    I've lost the ring
    I'm so sorry.
    With it I lost the beach
    the boardwalk
    your sky eyes
    and white crested smile,
    the scrape of sand
    the taste of salt
    seaweed hair
    and jellyfish burns
    bonfires and interlaced fingers.
    I've lost the ring--
    the memory.
    I'm so sorry.

    Submitted on 2006-11-24 21:34:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmm. Yes, it has potential.

    "With it I lost the beach
    the boardwalk
    your sky eyes
    and white crested smile,
    the scrape of sand
    the taste of salt
    seaweed hair
    and jellyfish burns
    bonfires and interlaced fingers."

    Don't change a thing about this part- the ring and the memories it held, these all seem very real and too personal to be false. So there's a little bit of truth here, and one of my professors once said that that's a requirement of all great writing.

    As far as the ring itself goes, though, I'm not sure what kind of ring it is. You seem to imply that you've lost the memories held in the ring because you can no longer count on that person to help you remember, only the ring. So it's an engagement ring, or a promise ring (how blah) or a wedding ring or just a ring, I don't know. But if that person's not there, why are you saying sorry? Why is the memory lost if the person the memory was made with is still present? This leaves more questions than it answers, and I'd love to see you expand upon it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece and i agree on the potential part... When reading I got the feeling that maybe the ring belonged to someone who had either passed away or left your life? I liked the words you used to describe your feelings about said person, seems like whoever it was they made you feel warm inside every time you thought of or spoke to them...
    And upon losing the ring you lost you final memories of them?

    I'd add some punchuation, and maybe elaborate on the relationship you had with this person... Other than that enjoyable read. I'll look out for more of your work, and if you update this one please be sure to give me a holler so i can have a read.

    Nice piece

    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]