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    dots Submission Name: Misseddots

    Author: siradrian
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 213/123/68
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 435
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 734


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    How will it be
    That awful day
    When you must still
    And go away?

    Will mem'ry fade
    To show a shade
    Scarce seen before
    How lost your core?

    Can book or jew'l
    Provide the fuel
    To keep you here
    In mem'ry dear?
    No artifact
    can make you fact
    But surely mind
    Hold life so kind.
    The truth of you
    shine through and through
    to find a way
    to sing the day.

    For love agelong
    Will be my song
    So keep you warm
    through life's dread storm.

    Submitted on 2006-11-25 07:40:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the rhyming nice...but why did u rhyme it...cud have kept it vague...not really prim n proper n done..but still t feels nice to read it specially...when i m in love
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by anna kareinina | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok hereís what I suggest since the subject is sad
    your line length should be longer. Short end rhymed lines
    seem too abrupt to me, they just donít fit the subject material.
    As the reader I can force myself to slow the pace because I
    understand the poem should be read in a contemplative
    atmosphere, however the structure and rhyme sets a
    faster pace , So instead of making me consciously change
    or slow my pace, I would like you to make me change
    my pace with the words themselves. here as an example
    I have change a few things in the first two stanzas

    How will it be that awful day
    that awful day you must go still
    so still-- and go away

    Will memíry fade to shadowed shade
    to show.. a shade.. to fade...
    Scarce seen before lost-- nothing more
    no more-- how lost your core?

    Now if I was doing this one (and I love the potential
    in this piece wish I had though of it)
    Any way if I were doing it I would start with
    one line in tetrameter followed
    by a line in trimeter. Now the second
    stanza shows how this would look.

    Also I am not happy with all of the words
    and how I placed them, this was done
    just to give you a since of the form I would
    shoot for. So I would play
    around with it some more. Keeping in
    mind that even if I did not care to do exact
    measure I would still stay close to it. Then
    of course make it you own

    If? you want to do it more freestyle I would
    still go for longer lines but not say more than
    12 syllables in a line.

    How will it be that awful day
    when you must still... and go away?
    Will memíry fade to show a shade
    a shade scarce seen before...
    How lost...your core?

    So my unbiased opinion is your lines are too
    short. Nothing more.

    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      This makes me really sad...but the rhythm of it is absolutely beautiful. It's simple yet touches the emotional side :]
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by wovenwords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely yet sad poem. Losing someone you love is so hard there really isnt strong enough words to describe the feeling. I have lost many so far in my life and the memories do hold true in my mind, but like this poem says, no reminder can even come close to having that person alive and well and in your life. This poem expresses these feelings very well. Very nice write. Hope you are well.

    | Posted on 2006-11-27 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      the rhyming is gorgeous! it is such a simple poem, but i really feel emotion through your rhyming. awesome!
    | Posted on 2006-11-25 00:00:00 | by just an angel | [ Reply to This ]

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