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    dots Submission Name: To be Damneddots

    Author: sageeriol
    ASL Info:    23/male/GA.
    Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 314/322/106
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 812
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1119

       hmmm. At work and bored.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo be Damneddots

    Shadows fall
    Monsters rise
    The time has come to hide
    Failure seeks you
    Doubt always lurks in the corner
    Days run out
    Always closer to the end
    Broken hearts and
    Fading lies
    A moaning beast hides behind your eyes
    Constantly waiting
    For these fears to consume
    Demons blink away the light
    To follow you into your dreams each night
    Azure skies fall on you
    Leaving the full glowing moon
    Shooting stars singe your retinas
    Burning thier glow neverendingly into your mind
    A kiss become the sweetest poison
    Turning your once healthy shell into a writhing heap
    Pleading does no good
    Screaming falls on deaf ears
    Her crystaline blue eyes become your obssesion
    The world falls through
    Time has no effect
    They all grow old and die
    This flesh of yours never wrinkles
    Never fades
    Never cries
    Blazened invisibly upon your chest
    Is your new family crest
    It is but a single word

    Submitted on 2006-11-25 19:26:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like - a lot. The imagery in this was stunning;
    'Leaving the full glowing moon
    Shooting stars singe your retinas'
    Also the continued references to monsters, demons, and driving away the light made those images very strong, and powerful.

    The only thing which I'd have thought possibly worth changing is the layout and lack of punctuation. You could structure it better, although I'm not sure how, longer lines would ruin the flow...but stanzas might work, and then it would seem less unorganised. Punctuation wise, it's useful as a reader to have commas and full stops occasionally, if only to help recognise where breaks are meant to go, it fits with the structure side...but yeah other than that a nice piece of wrok.
    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
      "Shooting stars singe your retinas
    Burning thier glow neverendingly into your mind
    A kiss become the sweetest poison
    Turning your once healthy shell into a writhing heap"

    "Her crystaline blue eyes become your obssesion"

    Wow, with every line I read, I was like, "THIS IS MY FAVOURITE LINE EVER!" and then in the next line, I was like, "Oh wait...THIS IS THE BEST LINE EVER!!!" Every image was so powerful and moving. I really could see the picture. You took some lines that COULD have been really clichéd but you put a fresh twist on them (for example, blue eyes become crystaline, and you don't stare at them, you're obsessed with them.)

    "The world falls through
    Time has no effect"

    Okay I promise THIS ONE is my favourite one. It really was a "clincher" line for me, it kind of sums up the whole piece. Like love (lust?) overtakes all and becomes your biggest sin or something.

    Seriously...this is a really strong piece of work. Every line by itself works, but put together, the they are phenomenal!

    You know, the last part reminded me a bit of "The Scarlet Letter", except a helluva lot cooler (I didn't really like that book...I know it's a classic, but my PRINCIPAL taught that book in our english class...arghh...) I think the message is really universal, even though you took it to the extreme.

    Hella cool stuff, for real.
    Keep on keeping on,
    | Posted on 2006-12-06 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree it is crying out for structure of some sort but is a very good poem, havent had the pleasure of one of your writes for a while, welcome back :)

    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      really good poem. you should try making the lines longer and making them into certain stanzas. it would have a better look. other than it was awesome and i liked the emotion and though you put into it
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by loco_baby92 | [ Reply to This ]

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