To be Damned -------------------------------------------
The time has come to hide
Failure seeks you
Doubt always lurks in the corner
Days run out
Always closer to the end
Broken hearts and
A moaning beast hides behind your eyes
For these fears to consume
Demons blink away the light
To follow you into your dreams each night
Azure skies fall on you
Leaving the full glowing moon
Shooting stars singe your retinas
Burning thier glow neverendingly into your mind
A kiss become the sweetest poison
Turning your once healthy shell into a writhing heap
Pleading does no good
Screaming falls on deaf ears
Her crystaline blue eyes become your obssesion
The world falls through
Time has no effect
They all grow old and die
This flesh of yours never wrinkles
Blazened invisibly upon your chest
Is your new family crest
It is but a single word
I like - a lot. The imagery in this was stunning;
'Leaving the full glowing moon
Shooting stars singe your retinas'
Also the continued references to monsters, demons, and driving away the light made those images very strong, and powerful.
The only thing which I'd have thought possibly worth changing is the layout and lack of punctuation. You could structure it better, although I'm not sure how, longer lines would ruin the flow...but stanzas might work, and then it would seem less unorganised. Punctuation wise, it's useful as a reader to have commas and full stops occasionally, if only to help recognise where breaks are meant to go, it fits with the structure side...but yeah other than that a nice piece of wrok.
"Shooting stars singe your retinas Burning thier glow neverendingly into your mind A kiss become the sweetest poison Turning your once healthy shell into a writhing heap"
"Her crystaline blue eyes become your obssesion"
Wow, with every line I read, I was like, "THIS IS MY FAVOURITE LINE EVER!" and then in the next line, I was like, "Oh wait...THIS IS THE BEST LINE EVER!!!" Every image was so powerful and moving. I really could see the picture. You took some lines that COULD have been really clichéd but you put a fresh twist on them (for example, blue eyes become crystaline, and you don't stare at them, you're obsessed with them.)
"The world falls through Time has no effect"
Okay I promise THIS ONE is my favourite one. It really was a "clincher" line for me, it kind of sums up the whole piece. Like love (lust?) overtakes all and becomes your biggest sin or something.
Seriously...this is a really strong piece of work. Every line by itself works, but put together, the they are phenomenal!
You know, the last part reminded me a bit of "The Scarlet Letter", except a helluva lot cooler (I didn't really like that book...I know it's a classic, but my PRINCIPAL taught that book in our english class...arghh...) I think the message is really universal, even though you took it to the extreme.
Hella cool stuff, for real. Keep on keeping on, TRAVWELL!