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    dots Submission Name: Should You Askdots

    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 842
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 871

       My first poem in a long while. Just tell me what you think about style and rhythm.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShould You Askdots

    Should words escape my grasp,
    Iíll tell you this now.
    Though I know not how to show,
    I can put it to words.

    My devotion to you
    Is without equal.
    No metaphor can be drawn
    To illustrate this thing incorporeal.

    Should you ask,
    I would hold your hand.
    Should you ask,
    I would kiss your wounds.

    Should you ask,
    I would leave for you.
    Should you ask,
    I would cede my life.

    Should you ask,
    I would renounce my father.
    Should you ask,
    I would forsake my mother.

    All you could ask,
    I would gladly do
    If it put a smile
    On your face.

    Dreams of fame, prosperity, health,
    I have forgotten in your eyes.
    All I care for now
    Lies at my side.

    Submitted on 2006-11-26 17:57:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Although I really like the opening stanza, i don't think that "should you ask" repetition works here. Such words usually do not add to the originality of the work, because unfortunately they become overused...yup.
    Rhythm, however, takes on a symbolic meaning and is very vital to be what it is. May be prescribing a few important images to what I think is a feeling of devotion in this poem would make it much more unique.
    Thanx for the read,
    Good luck!
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by Ms. DejFruit | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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