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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Should You Askdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 842
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 871



    Description:
       My first poem in a long while. Just tell me what you think about style and rhythm.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShould You Askdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Should words escape my grasp,
    Iíll tell you this now.
    Though I know not how to show,
    I can put it to words.

    My devotion to you
    Is without equal.
    No metaphor can be drawn
    To illustrate this thing incorporeal.

    Should you ask,
    I would hold your hand.
    Should you ask,
    I would kiss your wounds.

    Should you ask,
    I would leave for you.
    Should you ask,
    I would cede my life.

    Should you ask,
    I would renounce my father.
    Should you ask,
    I would forsake my mother.

    All you could ask,
    I would gladly do
    If it put a smile
    On your face.

    Dreams of fame, prosperity, health,
    I have forgotten in your eyes.
    All I care for now
    Lies at my side.




    Submitted on 2006-11-26 17:57:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Although I really like the opening stanza, i don't think that "should you ask" repetition works here. Such words usually do not add to the originality of the work, because unfortunately they become overused...yup.
    Rhythm, however, takes on a symbolic meaning and is very vital to be what it is. May be prescribing a few important images to what I think is a feeling of devotion in this poem would make it much more unique.
    Thanx for the read,
    Good luck!
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by Ms. DejFruit | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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