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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Villanelle : My eye is dry butdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1014
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 977



    Description:
       Slightly revised version of my villanelle, with thanks to Dale and Glenn. Further feedback, criticism welcome (if possible don't just say "some lines don't flow well" say which ones, no need to try to say why (of course, if you have an idea of why, I'd be pleased to hear it too). PH


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVillanelle : My eye is dry butdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek,
    along the trail I run to no avail,
    escaping pain, I know not what I seek.

    I streak ahead to leave behind the reek
    of solitude so stale at each inhale,
    my eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.

    My forehead weeps but tears refuse to leak,
    a void of numbness drowns a muted wail,
    escaping pain, I know not what I seek.

    My feet are fleet, lithe body, all else weak,
    without intent, what can it mean to fail?
    My eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.

    I fold my legs, frail breath bound by technique,
    a bleak attempt to flee the carnal jail,
    escaping pain, I know not what I seek.

    I slip into the tub to still the shriek
    of thought beneath the scalding water's veil,
    my eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.
    Escaping pain, must I strive not to seek?




    Submitted on 2006-11-27 17:06:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Unfortunately, I can't comment you with such skill and effort like you did to me, simply because I'm not that great of a writer, and I'm not so good at giving criticism, so I'll just lend compliments and maybe a suggestion or two.

    1) I like the rhyme scheme, it's amazing you can keep it going for so long without "forcing" it and making it sound lame.

    2) I don't quite get the message of this poem, the words make it confusing.

    -tma
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      [My eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek,]
    I should like this better as
    My eyes are dry as sweat drips down my cheek,
    and of course that would mean changing it all the
    way through.


    (along the trail my feet are fleet to no avail,
    [check your meter])

    escaping pain, [I know} not what I seek.
    I would prefer knowing here; its not iambic
    but flows into the next line with a more pleasing
    sound.

    I'm running fast to leave behind the reek
    of solitude so stale at each inhale,
    my eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.

    My forehead weeps but tears refuse to leak,
    a void of numbness drums a minor scale,
    escaping pain, knowing not what I seek.

    I streak ahead, lithe body, all else weak,
    I streak ahead, body lithe, all else weak,
    reads better


    without intent how could I fear to fail?
    My eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.

    I fold my legs, frail breath bound by technique
    in bleak attempt to flee the carnal jail,
    escaping pain, knowing not what I seek.

    I slip into the tub to still the shriek
    of thought beneath the scalding water's veil,
    my eye is dry but sweat drips down my cheek.

    (Escaping pain, must I strive not to seek?)
    I am guessing you change the refrain on purpose?

    So I suppose I am in my own way I am agreeing with
    Glen this is a good poem but needs some tweaking to
    smooth out the reading, of course you are bound
    by technique and that increases the level of difficulty
    but then that is the fun of forms.
    Dale.

    | Posted on 2006-11-28 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      Poem about using exercise followed by bathing as a substitute for weeping with grief & frustration, and also as an anaesthetic against loneliness; and again to fill in for existential boredom & anomie? I've often been running or cycling - part of a small-town retiree's existence - and wondering: "Why the heck is this so satisfying, considering what a chore it is???" If I understand your intention then it's a good poem; and if I have understood something other than that, it's still a good poem because I understood it well, as if I could have written it myself if motivated enough and sufficiently acquainted with Thing One about villanelles! Your study of this verseform is an important contribution to a populous workshop like this, and that too makes it a good poem. I can't criticize the villanelle until I"ve studied it; and contacting you has made me decide to study it: another success for your series of villanelles. I'm still getting used to the idea of poetry as a social activity (rather than as a kind of jogging) and so I'm impressed by the effects of the poets upon each other here! Including upon me. One detail of your villanelles attracts comment: the combination of awkwardness and obscurity, neither apparently intended, when getting the rhyme, metre, & sense right under this extremely demanding discipline. Most of the lines are beautifully facile and satisfying to read; and this makes even more disturbing the occasional line where clarity or some other element of a good line has been sacrificed to make the other elements fit. I'd bet me boots that the villanelle is like the sonnet in this way: a final victory would be that you make it readable with effortless ease - so easily readable that some halt or puzzle needs to be worked-in artificially if you should want to keep the readers extra alert. At this stage of skill, the verseform will start to ask you for some freedoms - like any instrument once mastered. Then even your laundry list could get some power from the villanelle if you decide it needs that. Well, towards this level of craft, my suggestion is that the effortless readability of each line and the whole poem is what you could best concentrate on, whilst writing some more please!
    | Posted on 2006-11-27 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    126705

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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