A Pocket Full of Posey by itsjustme22

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Submission Name: A Pocket Full of Posey dots

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Author:	itsjustme22
ASL Info:	19/f/CA
Elite Ratio:	3.52 - 237/114/38
Words:	124

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	222
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	854

Description:
death is the one thing that eats away at those who are still alive

A Pocket Full of Posey dots

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Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
pull the trigger
if you figure
that death is a must.

The bullet won't hurt
but it won't feel nice
so don't pull that trigger
if you're going to think twice.

You knew that i'd miss you
please, tell me why;
I'll kiss your cheek,
make it better
so you don't have to cry.

Your heart is of gold:
your courage shines through,
But you don't understand
what this thing can do to you.

Dust to Dust,
Ashes to Ashes
I had hoped
I wouldn't see
Your body in that casket.

We ring in this circle
of roses so sweet,
time passes and I wonder
when again we will meet.

Submitted on 2006-11-29 19:45:52 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  it was one of your best! the first couple lines especially. the end was a bit sad...it made me think of someone so depressed at another's death that they take their own life. very good write though! nice rhyme.
| Posted on 2007-07-04 00:00:00 | by freddybuzzkill | [ Reply to This ]
  This write is haunting, even the whole ring around the rosie song is haunting. Isn't it odd that as children we use to sing about the boubonic plauge? Anyways, great write, my favourite stanza is:

"Your heart is of gold:
your courage shines through,
But you don't understand
what this thing can do to you"

Nice work keep it.

Atonement

| Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by atonement | [ Reply to This ]
  Very well constructed and dont listen to Azuire cuz I thought the 5 line to 4 line stanzas was intentionally and it came out brillantly. Thanks for the comment on our kind.

Brian,
Ur pieces are very deep and encouraging to all
| Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by b_v_grant | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay. This one I'll need to get clinical about. No offence meant in advance.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
pull the trigger
if you figure
that death is a must.

Firstly, it's just off on the last line. I would suggest something like:

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
pull the trigger
if death is a must

However yours would have sounded fine if you'd stuck to that structure, which is why I lament the loss of a good poem.

The bullet won't hurt
but it won't feel nice
so don't pull that trigger
if you're going to think twice.

This part sounds fine. It follows the four line-end rhyme that always sounds lovely. You've done this one better than the opening stanza.

You knew that i'd miss you
please, tell me why;
I'll kiss your cheek,
make it better
so you don't have to cry.

Nooo five lines! At least "trigger" and "figure" somewhat rhymed in the first stanza, here there is no such thing at all! Upsetting, disruptive, and again, could have been done much, much better, with either the structure of the first or second stanza.

Your heart is of gold:
your courage shines through,
But you don't understand
what this thing can do to you.

I'm beginning to think your even numbered stanzas are done perfectly. I'll leave this one alone, I like it.

Dust to Dust,
Ashes to Ashes
I had hoped
I wouldn't see
Your body in that casket.

Nice image, but, no flow, and no rhyme either, so I can't say much about this.

We ring in this circle
of roses so sweet,
time passes and I wonder
when again we will meet.

Even numbered stanza. Perfecto.

Now, I thoroughly encourage you to break the rules of the rhyme. Poetry isn't about standard form and such. However, if you do change the rhyme/free verse too often, it spells disaster for poems, especially of this nature. Your even numbered stanzas for some reason are all standard, and lovely to read. If you'd tried limerick style rhyming (i aabba) it would have been even cooler. However, once a rhyme is seen, it is expected that the rest of the poem should rhyme as well. That's another "rule" sort of, but hey, it makes your poem sound so much smoother and clearer than otherwise.
Apart from that, your imagery is not exactly jaw drop fantastic, but well done enough to resurrect the dead rhyme.
Now, again, apologies if I sound condescending. Only trying to help
Cheers
Azuire
| Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
  It does stir emotion with the imagery, but I think that the structure is a little off with the last lines of each stanza. The reader gets into this rythm in the begining, but by the end it is interupted by that extra syllable or two.
| Posted on 2006-12-30 00:00:00 | by A.L. Beirce | [ Reply to This ]
  wow i absolutely loved how you did this 0.0 it might be the most awesome thing i've ever read i love this so much
i thought that maybe he was concidering it and then i thought maybe it was an on looker trying to figure out what he was thinking
but this really amazing
rachelle
| Posted on 2006-12-15 00:00:00 | by dark lover | [ Reply to This ]
  omg I Loved this, I know *is quiet for a minute at thinking about it* five people who killed themselves, 2 gun wounds, 1 cut and 2 OD's, but the guy who cut comes to mind the most cause we were going out at the time and he promised he "wouldn't do anything to hurt me"...I hate people so much. I like your poetry and I *love* this write, it was perfect.
This was definatly my favorite part though:
"Dust to Dust,
Ashes to Ashes
I had hoped
I wouldn't see
Your body in that casket."
~first it made me think of how I felt when I realized he WANTED to kill himself and had just hoped that he wouldn't do it....but then I went a little deeper and thought that maybe this meant on the way to his funeral/viewing/whatever that you knew he was dead and your mind just held this dillusional hope that he wouldn't be dead, that you'd wake up and it'd all have just been a bad dream....and that made this write leave an even bigger impact. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this, I'd be more than honored to have it on my faves list
~jess~

| Posted on 2006-12-01 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  I love this poem. I'm gonna add it.
Thanks for the good read,
-Jenny
| Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Darklonelygirl | [ Reply to This ]

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