I love your table grease metaphor, as it is something that is a connotation of urban society, and the way that people leave bits of themselves all over the place--especially in restaurants with fast food, where people come to talk, catch up, and let themselves go. Though I love the message, and I do love your wording and imagery, I do see several things that need to be taken into consideration.
/Tables whisper in urgency Of a drama yet to begin/
this seems like filler. These two lines really hold no depth or meaning pertaining to your point, or the point of the poem, and poems are supposed to be nothing more than the words that make the picture. I suggest either taking this out, or replacing it with something else, maybe a shift. (maybe irregularize [is that even a word?!] the structure here, to make a point, or italicize something. Structure would make this piece pop!)
/At closing time the tables cry For souls that've gone astray/
again, I could say the exact same for these two lines. And, *gasp* they are the ending lines. The end really needs to sum up the rest of the poem--and I must say, I saw very little (though there was a hint of a feeling) of 'souls gone astray.' I think you might mean 'misunderstood' souls, or'lonely,' or some such solitary adjective. Certainly not 'astray'--the souls you describe are not awry, or off a certain path that you think that they should be on, or anything. It is more about the stains knowing all, seeing the lonesome ones, the social ones, everyone that comes and goes.
Wow, I hope that helped a little--and thanks by the way for reviewing my poem! I love reviews!
A fine, brooding and highly introspect piece of poetry...immensely enjoyed it...fine meter, especially in the first few stanzas...the overall effect was quite excellent...bravo...bravo...
Kez, this is a lovely and imaginative poem, with much poetic genius! To give personalty to the tables, and reflect their thoughts about guests is novel and very enjoyable! Excellent work!
Submission Name: White Tables
