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    dots Submission Name: Sorry, Didn't Catch Your Namedots

    Author: screamALEX
    ASL Info:    19/M/PA
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 40/93/49
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1190
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1587


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    dotsSorry, Didn't Catch Your Namedots

    Sorry, Didn’t Catch Your Name (Maybe Next Time)

    Hey there little muchacha,
    I just wanna talk witcha.
    So, tell me,
    would you like to share a drink with me?
    (Share a drink with me.)
    Such a pretty face,
    I’d hate to see it go to waste.
    (I’d hate to see it go to waste.)

    Hey honey,
    don’t worry this drinks on me.
    Don’t be shy,
    we can drink to me.
    (We’ll drink to me.)

    Wouldn’t you like a tour…
    of my room?
    Test the bed,
    that’s still perfectly made.
    Sheets begging for a scandal so beautiful…
    (Oh so beautiful.)
    Crushing all your aspirations for tonight.
    (Just for tonight.)
    Fears lagging behind until tomorrow’s light.

    The morning’s view will,
    leave you breathless,
    The silence will…
    leave you haunted.
    Every creak of the mattress rips through,
    like a razor.
    Diamonds are for a princess,
    diamonds are forever.
    Lust is for an orgasm,
    lust is what’s left for whores.

    Wrapped in warmth,
    wrapped in lies,
    wrapped in a tease,
    like a sexy present to please.
    Longing for something physical,
    to prove it wasn’t a dream.
    (Was it a dream?)
    On the desk sits,
    a note molested by graphite.
    Words lost in feelings,
    senses failing,
    “Last night you were the cure for my itch…
    same time, same line, same tryst?”

    Submitted on 2006-11-29 22:47:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      "Ey little muchacha,
    I just wanna talk witcha."

    Were those the original lines? I like them better - they fit more when you say "whores" in the end. The words "whore" jumped at me and drew unneccesary attention to itself when I read the piece. Either make the rest of the piece "sluttier", or keep it subtle and take away the "whores" part. Also, tryst seems like too fancy a word for "whores"...

    Maybe you can just write two different poems, one "elegant" version and one, "drunk girl out of a cheap bar" version (honestly the second one is grittier and more appealing to me because it's realistic...and I like the contrast between the "beautiful lust" that the two dirty youthful bodies create...so yeah...) because those two don't mix in one poem.

    Anyway, fun read! The title was perfect, too. I could honestly imagine this poem scribbled on a dirty little napkin or something (but never on a silk hanky!).

    Whatever, keep true to yourself. Whichever way you want to keep the poem, I know I'll like it.

    Keep on keeping on,
    | Posted on 2006-12-06 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      ah i love these types of writes. i've written a few myself, which one of your lines automatically made me think of one of my own.

    Sheets begging for a scandal so beautiful..

    mine was something more along the lines of wanting her arched across my sheet, but i think they touch base with each other.

    i love the title to this, because really, when you're in a club or a bar just trying to pick someone up, you may ask for a name and never listen to the answer..because lets face it, who cares what their name is. you aren't looking for anything serious, or even a phone call...you just want some sheet action.

    anyway, other than it reading a bit choppy, i think you did a pretty good job
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
      hot. no other word for it. you're young, have fun. no strings attached. it flows beautifully. i'd drink to you.
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by narcolepsy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hell yes,--this was a good read!. Your portrayal of the seducer (to his prey) and the banter both soken and wrought in silent thought--was spot-on. This was fun to read, unpretentious and the several devices you used worked to good advantage!

    I liked the clever asides set in brackes, and the rhymes--bot lent a semi-comic tone and made the reaing flow fast and free.

    Thanks for submitting this,--it sorta made my day [LOL]|

    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      men, a naughty piece but covered in beauty, but these 2 first verses
    "Ey little muchacha,
    I just wanna talk witcha.
    Oh tell me,
    would you like to share a drink with me?
    (Share a drink with me.)
    Such a pretty face,
    I’d hate to see it go to waste.
    (I’d hate to see it go to waste.)

    Hey there honey,
    don’t worry this drinks on me.
    Don’t be shy,
    we can drink to me.
    (We’ll drink to me.)"

    , makes it like you picked up a drunk girl out of a cheap bar, maybe just maybe if you change the place setting into a party or mask party it would be so elegant. But i dunno if you wanna make it like killer's when you were young, its up to you. Hey anyway do you have a myspace account?or friendster.
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Soldier O_Tears | [ Reply to This ]

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