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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I wish My Loverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mandy dupuis
    Elite Ratio:    3.3 - 109/138/57
    Words: 305
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 204
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1615



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI wish My Loverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish Lover

    I wish my lover would take me away to another place
    sweet melodies in my head, to tingle to my tongue
    I sing the makings to a stranger, say a name without grace
    Spend the moment together, up and down a spine forever
    I walk with you, you walk with me, the two of us down by our sea
    you walk with me I walk with you, you are a mystery with no clue

    I wish my lover would take me away to another place
    a wave swept me up onto the ocean’s grave
    I lay letting my body unwind, getting my mind high
    you lay beside me having a one thing less to say
    you take my hand, I hold yours, together we lay opening doors
    a star fish to witness a hurricane event, I shiver ,you become my tent
    I take your hand, you let go of mine, and the silence stills the sand between my toes
    I feel a sad wetness upon my nose, and you come into me, I come into you
    drinking the wine of our destiny, you haven’t a clue

    I wished for a lover to swim the sea for me
    Holding above his head my dignity
    I lift my face to feel the rain, his pain,
    lashing at my face, I dig my grave for him, I can forgive
    the wide open bay takes me away I swim for you, you swim too me,
    Together we will be one destiny ,One sip of the wine, we lost our minds
    taking a chance, we saved our danceto the last day, where we’ll both float away
    Together , forever you walk with me, I walk with you, holding your hand
    we have no clue but we understand...





    Submitted on 2006-11-29 23:00:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      omg... wow. I really really love this... I was definitely surprised, you have some wonderful nice phrasing and flow in there... and some GORGEOUS lines that I relate to so very much... i love:
    I sing the makings to a stranger, say a name without grace
    Spend the moment together, up and down a spine forever
    ...that is simply beautiful. However - there are several typos throughout... and i'm kinda ehh on the title, especially the half-capitalization - you need to have a lot more care about your work, proofread and be proud of it!! There's a misplaced space, and at least two misspelled words... go through and find them ;>>
    Other than that I'm in love, this poem is incredible. Kudos. ~Cora
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Cora Windover | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really beautiful. Loved the metaphors you used, and the imagery was clear and vivid, but yet somewhat dreamlike in quality as it shifts from one metaphor to the next. The only critique I have is to fix the typo in the title. Usually, it's a bit of a turn-off to someone whom you want to read your poem. I personally didn't expect the poem to be very good when I clicked the link, because if the author can't spell, then how good is their work? Anyway, just fix that and it'll be good.

    Reciprocity is my policy, so please comment back on one of my works (preferably the one with no comments thus far). Thank you! =]
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Aurora-Borealis | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it a lot! Its so personal and extemely touching. I wish I could be with my lover in the situation. awesome!

    -angel-
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by just an angel | [ Reply to This ]



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