A statue of Ishtar by Static Scream

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Submission Name: A statue of Ishtar dots

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Author:	Static Scream
ASL Info:	17/m/Russian(in Mid East)
Elite Ratio:	6.81 - 14/6/10
Words:	106

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	167
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	685

Description:
Ishtar was an Assyrian goddess, known is Sumer as Inanna, known elsewhere as Astarte

(Now edited thanks to Lerlim)

(Missing the last stanza, as it needed improving, ill add it later, if I can write a good last stanza)

A statue of Ishtar dots

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A statue stands among the sands
And ancient words on it convey
Old tales. People, born of ancient lands,
Came here, walked through night and day

To gaze upon the morning sunrise
The one they called a shining star
To see her was their greatest prize
A statue of Ishtar

For many years, on holy ground
She stood, a blessing for their eyes
And storms would pass this place around
And droughts would wither in demise

And now, in sands, it stands forgotten
Washed by the desert winds of day
And yet at night, a light begotten
By her, shines dismally away

Submitted on 2006-11-30 06:40:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I have never read a mythology poem before...but I'm stepping out side my poetry comfort zone and checking out something different...this is very interesting...there is a lot of detail in this poetry and I like that...I also enjoyed the message of needing to remember the past...It was sort of subtle for me...but it was still there...Like I've told so many before...it's nice to see something different because I believe poetry can be whatever you want it to be...And it doesn't have to be perfect in any way shape or form...it should just be whatever flows out of you, at the moment you write it...no redos...no rewrites...no bull[censored]...to me great poetry is only perfect when it has flaws...kisses~Ashley~
| Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by redeemer | [ Reply to This ]
  Again, wistful and dream like -- (makes me think of Shelley's "Ozimandius", one of my favorites) some really fine poetry here, excellent ... the last stanza is extremely potent! Bravo ... Bravo ... Bravo ... Michael
| Posted on 2006-12-01 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
  Again, mythology, my favourite motif. i think that by this time you truly deserve to be stalked properly. I yearn for writes such as these and you seem to be quenching the thirst fairly well. The imagery is astounding and longful. I love this.
| Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
  There is something very nice that you capture in this poem, an atmosphere, a sense of wonder, and nostalgia. I like the fact that you use regular meter and rhyme, and in general it works well. Let me just tell you the places where I slip, or lose the rhythm. Maybe they are the ones you can look at further.

A statue stands among the sands
And ancient words on it convey
Old tales, people, born of ancient lands
Don't you want a full stop after "Old tales" and a capital on "People"? A comma after "lands", or else, drop the comma between "people" and "born"? I think this would make the reading much clearer, if that corresponds to your intent
Came here, walked through night and day
I can get this line as tetrameter, but not easily, on first and second reading, it came out awkward.

To gaze upon the morning sunrise
The one they called a shining star
To see her was their greatest prize
A statue of Ishtar

For many years, on holy ground
She stood, a blessing for their eyes
And storms would pass this place around
And droughts would cease to show their face
I think this last line here could be improved, the second half seems a bit weaker.

And now, in sands, it stands forgotten
Washed by the desert winds of day
And yet at night, a light begotten
By her, shines dismally away

This last stanza is especially nice.

As sands shall shift, shall we forget
The beauty that had once stood here
And into crevasses of regret
Our thoughts shall trail like a river

I think you need to rework the last two lines. They are weaker than the rest, and they should be stronger, the end of a poem is crucial to making the whole thing work.

Thanks for sharing a nice poem,
PH
| Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
  Simply beautiful and it portrays the passing of time and the things that we forget.
Katana
| Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]

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