For Mike -------------------------------------------
mike
you know what you had when you lost it
you stick your fist in your mouth
and it feels like its there
because it is there
i am there
i am a gash shaped smile on your bleeding knuckle
and you said mike, if you had a problem
you would tell me
you would tell me
and in the corridor of that hole i grew out of long before
i can hear you, i can hear you
i cant hear you
i think i kicked enough dust in that gapping hole called our friendship
and i cried enough dirt to plant and move on,
The repetitions in the lines make me think of you sort of pounding your fist on the table or maybe just on your own thigh. It's like a "damnit!" without saying it...
I like it.
I like that couple of lines "and it feels like it is there because it is there..." that's so great. so simple but like a punch in the stomache.
Why the comma at the end of the last line? was that on purpose?
and why not a comma before "Mike" and after "you said" ...it would separate the Mike even more like it was being SPIT out..
"And you said, Mike, if you had a problem..."
Just a suggestion...
Anyhoo, I have a lesson to teach now (I'm at work) and I must leave...
I like this angry poem...I feel it, girl, I'm there...well, getting outta there, but I was there.
Annie
It's perfectly clear how to read this message. I don't think I would change anything as far as text goes. But it seems like when we find our true feelings they have to be served up somehow to make us move on.
Your lines are straight ahead and real and I like that. And the echo of "I can hear you" says much about how the communication between you dissolved. And you don't say who either, except there is clue in the last lines, I think your anger is expressed very well there.
Submission Name: For Mike
