I am nothing but hollow,
a hole so yellow.
My words are like thin air,
all I have is inconsistant despair.
I wish to renew my dreams,
chase away the stale realms.
I too was a hoping girl once,
but both luck and balls bounce.
I am left with nothing to say
with my years i pay
in tears and sighs for so long
my cowardness lay.
Did I ever think myself worthy?
Did I ever think I was owed something?
Now I crawl under the shade of the damned tree
trying to hide while my shame runs free.
| I really enjoyed the line about balls... It was both a contemporary colloquialism and a pun, although I doubt you didn't know that. You might gloated to yourself about it. Besides that, you've got a somewhat inconsistant rhyme scheme going on - partially what I'd call poetic fallacy. What exactly are you trying to say in this piece? Because some of your 'metaphors' could be taken in this totally positive sense. 'thin air' is not only something essential to humanity's existence, but the thinner it is and the more you can deal with it the better it is for you health. It's like the CO2 in your halituous winter respirations. Also another slight problem might be the focus of this poem, which is extremely oriented towards "I, I, I;I" .... Rarely have I found a good poem with that kind of a focal point. It strips you of your possibilities, and narrows down the metaphorical limitations of your creativity. I... I... I.... It also becomes redundantly annoying. You also contradicted yourself when you said you wished to renew your dreams, yet you are hopeless and are owed nothing. If you want to bash yourself, write a poem about how evil of an apple you are, and how you made this tree a damned one. I also think you should say "in the shadows.." instead of shade.. it just sounds a little more macabre...|
I was almost expecting something else because what drew me to this piece was the title "fragment" which reflected a huge similarity to my own first submission "Fragmentation".... anyhow... I will stop annoying you..
|| Posted on 2006-12-02 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ] |