[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Given Words, I Woulddots

    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 266
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 643
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1611

       it's the verrrry first draft, essentially the first thoughts that popped into my head and flew out my pen and then happened to be typed up here so i may get some advice on the flow and how to lessen the percievedly choppy rhythm

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGiven Words, I Woulddots

    If I could redeem myself through words I would
    If words were medals to be earned, that could restore dishonor
    If syllables could count the steps it will take
    To reach the pedestal, where all look up towards
    Then I would write till the wounds bleed ink and fingers break

    If I could heal my lies through truth I would
    But the excuses have dried up like rose petals and blown away
    Traveling on streets Iíll never drive
    On paths that lead to the peace for which we pray
    But the stories crumble and decay
    At an altar my religion will deny

    If I could pray for deliverance, I would
    If the opium of the masses became the miracle drug
    If prayers were wishes that had to be answered
    Faith would present an offer of salvation
    But the fervent prayers that keep me from soothing dreams
    Are the prayers that wonít rise past my head
    The wishes end in bitter screams

    If I could wish to be saved, I would
    On blazing memories falling from the infinity above
    But we wish on shooting stars because they fade
    As fleeting as the lingerings of broken love
    I wish I could strengthen on my own
    But I can only fade into escape
    And salvation ends up salvaging alone

    If given words, if given chances
    If given hands that could turn back time
    If there was a hope that would keep living
    If immortality was offered for a price
    I would not let myself die
    I would give back one more try

    Submitted on 2006-12-04 13:10:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I could not agree more with what Jen has said in her comment. I like what you have written a lot, but i too believe that God answers prayers when we chose to live life for him, i have experienced it for myself. and also with that decision made he will never give us more than we can handle....as he has said. thank you so much for writing this though i think its really good.
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...I really liked this. Excellent job on first thoughts, my friend. You show a lot of talent for someone so young (not that I can really speak that much, I'm only two years older ).

    The first line drew me in instantly, because anyone who writes would jump at the chance to redeem themselves through their words.

    "Then I would write till the wounds bleed ink and fingers break"

    I love that line, it paints such a vivid image. We've all done so many wrong things that we would love to undo it, whatever it takes.

    I also really enjoyed the second stanza. I wish I wasn't nearly as impulsive as I am, because there is no taking back words once they are spoken. The hurt, the guilt, the loss, still remains long after the lie has left your lips.

    "But the excuses have dried up like rose petals and blown away"

    That's a wonderful image, I got the mental image of an excuse leaping from your lips only to crumble into a worthless pile of dust. You have excellent imagery and word usage.

    There seems to be an under-lying sadness and guilt that pervades the entire piece. Its like you've done things wrong, and life has done wrong to you, but you have no idea how to change it, how to stop it. The line:

    " If prayers were wishes that had to be answered
    Faith would present an offer of salvation"

    That truly saddened me, because Faith is such a wonderful experience. Its so hard, because we often get the idea that if God really exists, He would bail us out of our problems and answer our every prayer the way we wish. But the thing is, God is GOD. He is omniscient, or knows everything. What we may think is best may be the worst thing that could happen. But the truth is all prayers will be futile without accepting Jesus into your heart...God offers us all His free gift of grace and love, and we turn it down because we think we know better. Once you realize Jesus died on the cross to take away your sins, and love you unconditionally, and help you deal with your burdens, its like you're set free from prison. There's this comfort, because you know He's in control. He's never going to give you more than you can handle, that's a promise He's given to all His children. One last bit of food for thought: even if you don't believe or accept what I just said, in very practical terms, how are you going to grow if you don't go through struggles? If our every prayer was answered and nothing ever went wrong in our life, what kind of character would that develop in us?

    I don't mean to preach, its just my faith means sooo much to me, and I wish everyone could experience the joy and passion I feel in Christ. Your piece was lovely, and if you have anymore questions about what I said, I'm always here to talk.


    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
      I have always been a bad speller so have tried to lessen the importance of words. I think this work struck a cord somewhere and I loved it.
    When you love someone the most annoying thing is you can only use words that have been used before. With one love we used "I love you 15 Cannon balls" tring to make saying I love you Fun.
    It did not work as the relationship did end!
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by Gordon | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    To written by SavedDragon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Bond written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Incubus written by monad
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]