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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Uneven Stevendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raven_TheWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.95 - 128/128/63
    Words: 3046
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 85
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 18545



    Description:
       This is an old story of mine. I wrote it last year or so... Re-posting it because I want feedback, duh.

    My first, and only to date, horror story!

    Based off of characters created by the one and only Alice Cooper. ('Gail' and 'Steven.' For more info on the characters, look up the songs' respective lyrics)

    Also: I don't own Hannibal Lector. I am merely a fan of Thomas Harris and his fantastic characters.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUneven Stevendots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Tell us a scary story!" Little Billy demanded, not wanting to hear the rest of the story Catherine was telling. It was too happy and it wasn't scary, according to his childish mind.

    "Why? So your parents can yell at me for scaring the crap out of you little kids? No way! Not after last year's trip! The principal's still at my neck about that." Said Catherine, intending to resume the story about an abandoned puppy who found it's owner. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. The box was soaking wet and the little guy was terrified, Everything was so noisy! He-"

    "Tell us a scary story!" Another child screamed. Soon all of the children were chanting 'Scary Story.'

    "Fine! But promise you won't tell your parents? Do you swear that you won't all get scared?" The children nodded their heads and stared at her, anxious to hear what she would come up with. Catherine was a great story teller. Last time they came out, she'd told them the story of Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lector; A killer who ate his victims. She'd told them they he only ate small children who were rude or obnoxious. All of the children had behaved that weekend.

    "Okay, I am going to tell you the story of Uneven Steven; A man who loved a woman so much he'd killed for her.

    "In a small cabin, not too far from this very campsite, a young woman named Gail was preparing to get married to the man she'd loved with all of her heart. He was the kindest, gentlest, sweetest man she'd ever met. He was the kind of guy who would do anything for her. His name was Zack.

    "It was the night before their wedding and Zack had to sort out some minor details about his best man and their suits. They were scheduled to arrive two days before the wedding and they didn't get to their Cabin. He didn't want to leave Gail alone in the middle of the woods on their last night as just a couple, but he'd wanted their wedding to be perfect. He had to leave, there wouldn't be enough time to get them in the morning. So, he bid his lovely maiden farewell and drove his old Ford back into town; Leaving a frightened Gail to fend for herself.

    "She was a beautiful woman, with Auburn hair, hazel eyes, fair skin and naturally rosy red lips. Men loved looking at her, she was the poster child for natural beauty. But, she didn't care how she looked, she just wanted to be comfortable. Gail just wanted a simple wedding, family and a few friends. But, Zack wanted a big wedding with every person they'd ever met attending. Whe-"

    "What's attending mean?" A little boy asked, interrupting the story.

    "Shut up, Hector! I wanna hear the story!" Staci said, elbowing him in the ribs.

    "Hey! That hurt!" He screamed and attacked her, pulling her hair and poking her in the ribs.

    Catherine ordered them to stop, but they still kept fighting. Much to her avail, the other children were egging them on. "Hey, you two! Hannibal gets little children who are rude and disrespectful to each other! Do you want him to eat you?" Instantly they'd both ceased and sat back down, looking like little angels.

    "We'll be good!" Hector said.

    "I don't wanna be Staci Nuggets!"

    Catherine suppressed a laugh; kids say the darndest things. "Good." She muttered and resumed the story, forgetting about Hector's question.

    "When Zack wanted something, he got it. No matter what anyone said.

    "It was five past nine when Gail began to worry. Zack said it would only take him a few hours and he'd left at six. True, it had only been a few hours but she was already panicking that everything wouldn't go right. 'Quit overreacting' she thought. 'He's fine.'

    "It was now twelve fifteen and Gail was terrified. He'd been gone far too long, it didn't take over five hours to try on a suit. The drive into town was only a twenty minute drive, so that diffinately wasn't the case. But, what if his car had broken down? What if he got lost? They were in the mountains of California and it was fairly easy to get lost. She decided to go and look for him, dressed in her favorite sweater and jeans. She found a flashlight and set out to find her lover. Little did she know, the front door was unlocked and a middle aged man walked into her Cabin. He turned off all of the lights, set his backpack down and took a seat on the couch. Waiting."

    Catherine turned to face one of the cabin's, acting like she'd thought she heard something. "What was that?" She asked, feigning terror.

    "What was what?" Billy asked, curious.

    "I... I thought I'd heard something."

    "Haha, very funny. You're just trying to scare us!" Hannah said.

    Catherine turned back to face the children and continued her story. "Gail was running down the road when she'd heard a noise; it sounded like footsteps and breathing. Then she'd heard a cracking sound, wondering what it was, she decided to investigate. She shined the flashlight towards the area where she'd heard the noise. There was nothing to be seen, no people. No animals. Nothing. She decided to forget about it and keep looking for Zack. But, she felt something drip down her spine; A feeling like something cold snaked down her sweater. Instinctively, she'd touched the back of her neck and felt something wet. She withdrew her hand and, now terrified, saw ruby red blood.

    "By now she was beyond scared. She knew she had to find Zack, fast.

    "There were no houses other than their cabin until you got into town, so she had to run into town to find any form of help. She had reached the halfway point in no time. Gail stopped to have a short rest, momentarily forgetting about the drying blood on her back that was beginning to show through her white sweater.

    "She walked backwards, making sure nothing was following her and hit something that felt like a car. She turned around and it was, in fact, a car. A Ford from the looks of it. It was black and the paint was chipped in a few places; Just like Zack's. Gail was in shock, she didn't think she would find him. Especially not on the side of the road in his car. She walked around to the drivers door and saw his face, looking out the windshield. She tapped the window and said his name. No reply. She went for the handle of his door, but it was locked. She shined the flashlight into the car. There she saw blood. Lots of blood. "

    Some of the children looked like they wanted to cry. Billy and Hannah were the only two who looked bored. Catherine had to get to the good stuff soon, she didn't want to lose her captive audience, now did she?

    "She saw blood and... boxes? She didn't see his body, just his head piled on top of boxes, as pale as the moon. She screamed, dropped the flashlight and ran back to her cabin. It was a long run and she'd stopped to rest on a tree, forgetting it was the spot where she'd first seen blood. A drop fell into her cheek, mortified, she looked up and found the rest of Zack's body. Hanging upside down, blood seeping out of the nerves and veins from his neck.

    "Gail screamed again, louder, and ran back home as fast as she could. She ran inside, locked the door behind her, and collapsed to a heap on the floor, crying. Her bloody hands leaving scarlet markings on her face. "

    Now, all of the children were paying attention. Nobody looked bored, as they were all eager to hear more.

    "After an hour of crying she'd noticed all of the lights were off. Frantically, she reached up to the light switched and turned the living room light on. There she found someone she never thought she would see again. Her High School Prom Date; Steven Morgan.

    "He looked almost exactly like he did prom night; Black hair, Blue eyes, pale skin and a knife in his hand. Wait... A knife in his hand?

    "'Hello, Gail' he said with a laugh. Insanity lingering in his eyes, watching her. Feeling her fear. Listening to her sob.

    "He stood up and approached her, putting the butcher knife in his pocket so that he could get it easily but it would be out of the way. 'I killed him, you know. He was rude to me throughout high school, called me weird, kicked me. Look who's the bigger man now. Zack's dead. And you killed him. If only you never had said yes and accepted his ring, he might still be alive, Gail.'

    "She looked at him with nothing but fear in her eyes and asked him what he was doing there. He replied, saying he only came to see her. She'd believed him, but that wasn't all he came to do. She asked him what he wanted. 'You. To see you suffer, baby. Nothing more. I want to watch you squirm. I want you to pay for ditching me at the prom. Leaving to spend the night in that bastard's arms. This is what you get when you don't play by the rules, my dear.'

    "She screamed for help. All he did was laugh. His cackle was too much for her to take, she took this as a chance to escape and tried to run to the back door. He'd caught her, of course, and threw her on the couch. He kneeled down to her level and kissed her, his rough lips meeting her soft ones. After a minute, he pulled back. Steven looked her straight in the eye and told her to go change into her wedding dress. She only nodded and ran to find it and put it on.

    "She desperately wanted to escape, but she knew it would be impossible. Steven had killed his step father for hitting his mother at the age of sixteen. He killed his biological father at the age of twelve, but he was a child and it was in self defense. As soon as she found her satin white dress and veil she'd put the both of them on, not knowing that he was watching. 'You've changed, Gail. You used to be so... plain and flat. Now,' he chuckled 'Now you're a grown woman with beautiful curves who sleeps, I mean slept, with a man unworthy of such beauty.'

    " 'Go to hell, you bastard' Gail said and tried to zip her dress up, but couldn't. 'Such a mouth, to think I once wanted such a sailor.' He walked over and slowly zipped up her dress, savoring every moment of being so close to her. 'Zipped up.' He said and led her back to the living room, where he had various weapons laid out.

    " 'Now, where shall we start, love?' He said, motioning towards his mass array of torture devices."

    All of the children were looking pretty tired, Catherine wasn't sure if she should stop or not. She might get in trouble for keeping them up late again.

    "Okay, bedtime. I'll continue this tomorrow night." She declared, gaining pleas, and a few demands, from the children to continue. "Fine," Catherine said, she only gave in because she wanted to keep telling the story, it was a fun story.

    "Gail looked at the weapon's fearfully; there were whips, chains, handcuffs, rope, barbed wire, a bunch of knives, a small sword and a two-headed axe.

    "She looked back at Steven, who was looking at her with an amused smile. "Scared, Gail? Don't be. There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm only hurting you as much as you hurt me. Think of it as repaying a debt. "

    "She looked around the room, trying to find a way out, but quickly stopped when she noticed that he was watching her every move.

    ""Gail, baby, there's no reason to want to leave. The fun's just beginning to start! I've just introduced you to my toys! Now, be a good girl and sit down on the couch."

    "Gail slowly stumbled over to the couch, not turning her back to him for a second. He killed Zack, who knew what he would do to her? Once she was seated, Steven motioned towards his 'toys', "Which one will we use first? You pick, it's viewers choice tonight!"

    "All she could do was moan, the words were stuck in her throat. She didn't want to choose, who knew what he would do with them. Soon he became frustrated with her and picked up the rope. "I didn't want to do this, but you've left me with no choice." He said and walked to the couch and yanked Gail upright by her wrists.

    ""Come on, sit on the damn chair" He said-"

    The children sniggered at her use of a 'bad word.' Catherine ignored them and moved on.

    "-and draped the rope around her shoulders and the back of the wooden chair. His hand touched hers and- Billy, what are you eating?"

    A young boy, around seven or so, looked around with big eyes and replied "Nothin'!"

    "Billy, you're a horrible liar and that's a good thing. Come here, kid." She said as Billy walked towards her. Once he reached her she told him to open his mouth. He shook his head, no, and ran into the forest surrounding them. Catherine took off after him until she'd reached the darkest part of the woods and had to call for someone to fetch Billy; another counselor. When she got back to the other children, a few of them were already asleep. Those who weren't, wanted to hear the rest of the story.

    "Sorry about that, Billy will be back soon! I sent Jeff to get him."

    "Will the monsters eat Billy?"

    "No, Hannah, Billy won't be eaten by monsters."

    "Was Billy being disserspetful?" Hector asked.

    "Yes, he was... why?"

    "Won't Hannibal eat him then?"

    "He would, but he doesn't like camping." Catherine lied, hell if she knew.

    "Why?"

    "Because he..." She didn't know how she was going to get out of this one. "He... he thinks camping is stupid,"

    "Why" Another child, a little girl, asked.

    "Because I said so. Do you all want to hear the rest of the story?"

    The children nodded their heads, yes, and Catherine resumed their story.

    "His hand touched hers and he felt her shudder. She couldn't be that terrified, could she? Steven finished tying her up and asked her, again, which 'toy' she wanted him to use.

    "Gail answered him with a question; "What are you doing to do to me?"

    "He said; "Well, baby, I'm gonna kill you!" "

    Catherine wasn't sure if she should tell the children any more, they were just little kids. Their parents would kill Catherine.

    "Catherine, Billy's back!" Hannah said, pointing over her shoulder.

    Catherine stood up and walked to Billy. "Billy, where did Jeff go?"

    Billy just stood there, staring at the ground. "I did what he told me to." He said, in a small voice that sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

    "What? Billy, did Jeff tell you to come back to camp?" She asked, upon reaching Billy.

    The little boy just shook his head and closed his eyes. "Not Jeff. Him." He said, emphasizing 'him.'

    Catherine kneeled down to Billy's level and lifted his head up. "Who is he?" She asked, wiping away his tears. "Steven." He choked out and ran back into the forest. Catherine followed him, forgetting about the other children. Billy probably just nodded off and had a bad dream.

    She ran a few feet into the forest before she remembered about the other children and her duty to protect them. If Billy did see 'Steven' she needed to stay with the other children and protect them.

    Catherine regretfully turned back and walked back to the camp. Jeff was still in the forest; he would find Billy.

    She saw the campsite, finally, and the children who were all safe. More children had fallen asleep, leaving Hannah, Staci and a few others awake. Something was off, though; The children were staring at the forest with fear in their eyes. 'They probably heard what Billy said.' She thought and looked at her feet, thinking some more.

    "Catherine!" Staci screamed, pointing over Catherine's shoulder. She looked up and saw Staci and the other children in tears. Catherine began to run to them but stopped, feeling hot breath on her neck, and calloused hands around her waist.

    Eyes wide, she tried to turn, but his grip tightened. A low rugged growl, a voice she prayed every night that she'd never hear again, snarled into her ear, "Hey, Gail! Baby! My Love! Miss me much?"

    In one swift movement, before she could ever reply, he'd slit her throat, his machete cutting to the bones in her spine. It took him one more forceful blow to fully sever her head, narrowly missing his own throat. Her head swayed for a few moments, but, before able to fall, Steven grabbed it by the severed spinal chord, and threw the body to the ground.

    Using Catherine's head as if it were a flail, he charged the children.

    The children screamed, but they were no match for him. He was ruthless and didn't care who he killed. Billy watched from afar, up in a tree with the headless corpse of Happy Hills Camp Counselor Jeff Morgan.

    -End-




    Submitted on 2006-12-04 13:21:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Tell us a scary story!" Little Billy demanded, not wanting to hear the rest of the story Catherine was telling. (It was too happy and it wasn't scary, according to his childish mind.) It was too happy and he didn't think it was scary at all[ if you word it like this
    it is more like the way Billy would think; this makes this part more from Billy's perspective and helps us to identify with Billy. Now I am not saying it has to
    be worded this way just that however you do word it try and make it seem like
    Billy's thoughts are in his own words, this is true for any character you portray
    their thoughts should be unique to themselves.

    The principal's still at my neck about that." (Said Catherine,) whenever possible try
    not to use said: of course sometimes U have to but a word like remarked or gurgled
    or deadpanned in other words any word that would lend more meaning than said
    plus she said he said just gets old. If you take a look at the way the better authors
    handle it well here are a few examples

    D' Agosta sighed irritably " We can't wait for him any longer"
    Frock cleared his throat "Naturally, I haven't had a chance for thorough examination"
    D' Agosta replied "exactly"
    Prendergast nodded "Lieutenant I want you to hazard a guess at something for me"

    Much to her avail: This word does not seem to fit maybe {chagrin}
    instead of avail instead of much to her avail u could write it
    kept fighting, adding to her vexation the other children were egging them on

    Catherine turned back to face the children and continued her story. "Gail was running
    [here you have her running maybe at this point it is premature perhaps she should be
    walking briskly; or making the best time she could picking her best way down
    the rutted old road and not start running until the noises get to her.] except that further
    along in the story u have her forgetting about the noise so unless u make some drastic
    change at this point a brisk walk would be as fast as I would have her move.

    Ok after this point running is good:

    [By now she was beyond scared. She knew she had to find Zack, fast.]
    even a headlong rush in panicked flight

    Gail stopped to have a short rest
    :Wheezing and gasping she was forced to stop and catch her breath :

    She shined the flashlight into the car. There she saw blood. Lots of blood. "

    Shining her flashlight into the car she gasped , her heart jumped into her mouth
    and she felt faint and wanted to scream but she was so overwhelmed she could
    not, everywhere inside the car was covered in sticky red blood!

    This is the kind of detail I meant you have an excellent draft of the story but nuances make
    the difference. between ordinary and really good
    'Hello, Gail' he said with a laugh. Insanity lingering in his eyes, watching her. Feeling her fear. Listening to her sob.

    This is very good only you don't need to say he said who else is going to be speaking to
    Gail? so "Hello, Gail" he laughed works just fine.

    And ok that's all I am going to suggest on this draft, I think you should go through
    and polish it up little tweaks here and there. Now from what I remember u have mostly
    changed the end part and I do like it more: of course I liked it before I just like it a bit
    more now, So if you were to go through and add some detail similar to what I am suggesting without getting too graphic I think after its polished up u should submit
    it to some magazines and see if u can get it published. I would shoot for mags that
    do contest for young writer's.
    Dale.
    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know you could probably make it better but I am not seeing anything
    obvious. and I like the ending, so I am thinking its good its fun but needs more
    detail now don't get me wrong you do good with the detail already I am thinking
    just go through and polish it up put in a few graphic details maybe try and
    make the walk down the road a bit more ominous and spooky have some
    blood fountain out of Catherine's neck and spray the kids, but really I enjoyed
    the tail and the ending is killer
    Dale
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]



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