This Porcelain Heart by poetic

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Submission Name: This Porcelain Heart dots

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Author:	poetic_tragedy
ASL Info:	16/f/USA
Elite Ratio:	2.89 - 39/55/30
Words:	123

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	996
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	684

Description:
My boyfriend likes how I write and so he asked me to write him another poem before I have to stay in a hospital for this "anti-suicide" program for three months.

This Porcelain Heart dots

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I set my heart up for yet another break
I've had almost more than I can take.
This heart made of porcelain, glued up and cracked
Can't stand to be pushed around, but too slow to react.

I thought it wasn't love
Just another teen romance to be embarrassed of.
But when you held me and told me how you felt
I knew it wasn't fake, new cards to be dealt.

I was sick of all the pain, the effort it took to smile
But when I see you now, it was all worth the while.
I had to wait to be happy, and I'm not quite there yet
But you got me closer, and I can never repay my debt.

Submitted on 2006-12-05 15:12:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
I like this, particularly the iamge of the porcelain cracked and repaired. Reminds me of how I've felt, oh so many times. It was an interesting mix between the depressed 'I was sick of all the pain, the effort it took to smile' and the new hope 'But when I see you now, it was all worth the while.'

Bobby K has a point with the line 'new cards to be dealt.' It seemed out of place, as if it didn't quite fit, and was possibly only there for the rhyming factor. Whether or not that is the case the fact that it seems like that makes it seem forced. The other lines that I had a problem with were the first two lines of that verse:
'I thought it wasn't love
Just another teen romance to be embarrassed of.'
The first line seems too short and the second too long. To me it seemed to ruin the flow and rhythm of the verse, and only serves to make the half rhyme, as opposed to a full rhyme, of 'love' and 'of' more obvious.
| Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
Nice poem, I like all but the 4th line of the second stanza I think *new cards to be delt*
should be something else. It feels like you forced it or you were rushing it.
maybe its just me.

The Poor Man's Poet.
| Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.