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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Hourdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 831
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1166



    Description:
       This is a bit explicit...
    I'm just throwing it out there to get some feedback. A different style of writing for me...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Hourdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's two-thirty in the morning.
    What are you doing up?
    Can you not sleep?
    Is there anything I can - oh!

    No - don't let me stop you.
    I want to be awakened
    by the desire in your fingers
    seeking out the tender
    heat between these legs
    that long to wrap around you
    as your hot breath
    surrounds my breast
    while your tongue traces

    teases

    pleases

    eases me to the edge of ecstacy


    How long did you lay next to me
    aching to reach the depth of me?

    Just put it - Oh

    My

    God

    You're throbbing
    making me cum
    as you slide inside
    I cannot deny
    I am on the verge
    of the urge
    to purge you of the potion
    brewed by the motion
    of these bodies enraptured
    in climactic bliss

    this
    is it

    you swell, release
    that sweet juice

    and satisfaction is my reaction
    at three-thirty in the morning.




    Submitted on 2006-12-06 08:55:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Great stuff you've written.

    I tried playing around with some of the lines and this is what I came up with.

    I cannot deny I'm on the verge
    Longing to purge you of the potion
    Brewed by bodies in motion
    So enraptured in climactic bliss.

    Great work! Baafuo


    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by Nightrider | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, it is a bit explicit, but, it is good. Very well written. I feel I may need a cold shower now, but, I like it nonetheless.
    The thing is, that although it is explicit, it is something that pretty much every female can relate to, because, let's face it, we have all woken at 3.30 in the morning and "had a bit" with the other half. Well, I assume we all have, I do it quite frequently, but then I may just be a nymphomaniac!! Anyway, I do like this, welcome to my faves!!
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Effee | [ Reply to This ]
      Perhaps a bit personal for a post too much info? Anyway That's none of my business I'm just here to be a jerk like usual. I'll start with what i like about the piece. First of all I was elated to find a poem so saturated with internal rhyme and assonance/ aliteration.

    my suggestions

    S2 L4 As they seek the tender
    heat between these knees
    (creased)


    You're throbbing
    making me cum
    as you slide inside
    I cannot deny
    I am on the verge
    of the urge
    to purge you of the potion
    brewed by the motion
    of these bodies enraptured
    in climactic bliss

    On the verge of the urge to purge seems jumbled I know you were seeking repetition of sound but perhaps some reowrding maybe even inserting something like surge cna remedy this.

    "That sweet juice" I'm sorry but I just don't know about that choice of wording, beside i'm told it tastes salty but i had no intrest in affirming that. Again after the internal rhyme but I think you can do better.

    As far as sadisfation is my reaction no bad I'd do it this way though because I feel the flow is improved.

    My reaction
    Is satisfaction
    At three thirty in the morning.

    Speaking of morning I see crimson rays signalling the day will begin soon so adui
    I need some sleep.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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    127646

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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