Description: This is a bit explicit...
I'm just throwing it out there to get some feedback. A different style of writing for me...
An Hour -------------------------------------------
It's two-thirty in the morning.
What are you doing up?
Can you not sleep?
Is there anything I can - oh!
No - don't let me stop you.
I want to be awakened
by the desire in your fingers
seeking out the tender
heat between these legs
that long to wrap around you
as your hot breath
surrounds my breast
while your tongue traces
eases me to the edge of ecstacy
How long did you lay next to me
aching to reach the depth of me?
Just put it - Oh
making me cum
as you slide inside
I cannot deny
I am on the verge
of the urge
to purge you of the potion
brewed by the motion
of these bodies enraptured
in climactic bliss
you swell, release
that sweet juice
and satisfaction is my reaction
at three-thirty in the morning.
Yes, it is a bit explicit, but, it is good. Very well written. I feel I may need a cold shower now, but, I like it nonetheless. The thing is, that although it is explicit, it is something that pretty much every female can relate to, because, let's face it, we have all woken at 3.30 in the morning and "had a bit" with the other half. Well, I assume we all have, I do it quite frequently, but then I may just be a nymphomaniac!! Anyway, I do like this, welcome to my faves!!
Perhaps a bit personal for a post too much info? Anyway That's none of my business I'm just here to be a jerk like usual. I'll start with what i like about the piece. First of all I was elated to find a poem so saturated with internal rhyme and assonance/ aliteration.
S2 L4 As they seek the tender heat between these knees (creased)
You're throbbing making me cum as you slide inside I cannot deny I am on the verge of the urge to purge you of the potion brewed by the motion of these bodies enraptured in climactic bliss
On the verge of the urge to purge seems jumbled I know you were seeking repetition of sound but perhaps some reowrding maybe even inserting something like surge cna remedy this.
"That sweet juice" I'm sorry but I just don't know about that choice of wording, beside i'm told it tastes salty but i had no intrest in affirming that. Again after the internal rhyme but I think you can do better.
As far as sadisfation is my reaction no bad I'd do it this way though because I feel the flow is improved.
My reaction Is satisfaction At three thirty in the morning.
Speaking of morning I see crimson rays signalling the day will begin soon so adui I need some sleep. peace