Oddly enough, I'll have to disagree with FredMelden: the four-liner is a little better, but because it's more concise and seems to flow more--not because there's something wrong with a child being perceived as having some kind of pride. Get a grip, man--children's thoughts aren't any less real than those of adults. They're just slightly less coherent at times--and, more often than not, the thoughts of a child are more ingenious than those of a great mind...
In any case, you have once again taken a handful of words and turned them into something more. Keep up the good work.
Oh, I love this! Such a great similie. It is the image of the child staying her tongue that I will remember. It's almost as if the flower is the analogy here, rather than the child. But that statement, "act your age," is such a defeating thing for a child to hear. What is an age supposed to act like anyway? I feel a pouting face coming on very, very quickly. Anyway, great write, very lovely, and I do concur with the others: the four liner.
I like the 4-liner better. A child sucking in her pride sounds too adult, as if she were acting like us, which the admonishment implies she is not. The idea of the clenching - as if forced into inhibitions - is a perfect description by itself. I wish I could say so much with so few words. fred
Wow!! that is quite the wonderful image painted in 4 little lines and 19 words. great job!!! you have a huge talent to be able to melodiously piece your thought together with such brevity.
this poem also made me giggle to think of a pudgy little kid whining trying to get his/her own way, clenching their little mouths in resolve. some how the flower was rebuked like the child, but by who? for what? this piece is really lovely!! i applaud you for it.
Hey sis, Sorry it has taken me a while to comment on this piece. :( I really like the second version. I think it adds power to it by not telling the readers that the child is "sucking in her pride" because the child...and the flower...could be sucking in something else...like secrets.... I really like the simple to the point way it reads. :) You still got it....it being an amazing writing ability. :) Great piece. Take care hun, Love you! Bethany
such a strong and vital message in so few words, Amy. very well done. i like both versions, but the 5-line verse seems to echo the picture 'cause the petals do look like they are sucking themselves in, like the lips of the child sucking in her pride.
wonderful analogy, Amy. too many children are stifled this way.. adults too, i might add. i never "act my age." i don't think i'd know exactly how to do that!! we should all be free to act how we feel as long as we harm none, don't you think?
so good to see you posting again! you always have such strong messages in your poems with wonderful Amy-like twists and turns!!
I like the 4 line version best. I am happy to see you posting again, I missed your quirky perpespective on everyday things,--some bizzare, and others so very poignant (like this one)--but always very, very, real in connection and leaving me just a little bit younger. Sally
I prefer just the four lines. It works really well, so you dont need it. The picture is perfect. I used to love it when my kids got angry and shouted "Oh yeah, well I'm going to stay in my room all night". Their lips pursed in the same exact way. Nice job, Amy. Carol
If a child is told to act their age, the very best part of who they are, gives way to the distressing life of being adult. OMG We lose our innocence and spontaneous qualities to create, we lose the blossom tha might occur, the beauty with which it unfolds stops shining in mid air.
You've said alot in a few lines. I see Jase's PS too and I think you've managed that line just right in this. It's a keeper, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Ha. Just perfect Amy. It made me... think about this unique analogy you presented more fully.
It made me smile. And think about a grumpy kid. But... they're so damn cute when they are. I know my little sister is when I tickle her to death and she screams for me to stop.
Sorry for the lamo comment. That's all I could really say. Peace,
P.S. When I finished this comment the photo had vanished... and you'd added another line. I think it's already implicitly stated that it wounded her pride. Leave it out. It doesn't need to be said. That's just what I think.