Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Clenched Petalsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 22
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1286
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 128



    Description:
       Since I haven't posted in a long time, I thought I'd post this; it was inspired by this photo:


    I had this posted as:

    the flower clenched its petals
    in protest of opening
    like a child's mouth
    sucking in her pride
    when told to act her age

    Let me know which you think is better.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClenched Petalsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The flower clenched its petals
    in protest of opening
    like a child's mouth
    when told to act her age.




    Submitted on 2006-12-07 00:53:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the personification here, and it truly made me smile. I think it is perfectly appropriate to include the picture, it added so much to the words. Well captured. Wonderful piece. Thank you.
    | Posted on 2011-07-07 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Although I like the original poem better, I like the second one better as representative of the flower. As it doesn't seem any less proud or regal by being furled in on itself in the picture.
    | Posted on 2008-03-14 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]
      The four-liner flows much better, in my opinion.

    Childrens' minds simply aren't muddied by experience. You've pointed out that this isn't a bad thing.

    -Ethan
    | Posted on 2007-12-16 00:00:00 | by Inkybro | [ Reply to This ]
      The 5-line version is better. I like the image of the child sucking in her pride, like it's an actual physical substance wanting to break out.

    Beautiful pic, btw

    T x
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      Oddly enough, I'll have to disagree with FredMelden: the four-liner is a little better, but because it's more concise and seems to flow more--not because there's something wrong with a child being perceived as having some kind of pride. Get a grip, man--children's thoughts aren't any less real than those of adults. They're just slightly less coherent at times--and, more often than not, the thoughts of a child are more ingenious than those of a great mind...

    In any case, you have once again taken a handful of words and turned them into something more. Keep up the good work.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2007-04-22 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      HI Babe
    I enjopyed both but preferred the four liner too. Hope u ok xxx
    | Posted on 2007-03-10 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I love this! Such a great similie. It is the image of the child staying her tongue that I will remember. It's almost as if the flower is the analogy here, rather than the child. But that statement, "act your age," is such a defeating thing for a child to hear. What is an age supposed to act like anyway? I feel a pouting face coming on very, very quickly. Anyway, great write, very lovely, and I do concur with the others: the four liner.

    Poor girl...
    | Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah so brief and so meaningful! Now every sucking baby will remind me- this photo and this verse.

    Ruby.
    | Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by Parul garg | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the 4-liner better. A child sucking in her pride sounds too adult, as if she were acting like us, which the admonishment implies she is not. The idea of the clenching - as if forced into inhibitions - is a perfect description by itself. I wish I could say so much with so few words.
    fred
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow!! that is quite the wonderful image painted in 4 little lines and 19 words. great job!!! you have a huge talent to be able to melodiously piece your thought together with such brevity.

    this poem also made me giggle to think of a pudgy little kid whining trying to get his/her own way, clenching their little mouths in resolve. some how the flower was rebuked like the child, but by who? for what? this piece is really lovely!! i applaud you for it.

    God bless you.
    john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-12-13 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey sis,
    Sorry it has taken me a while to comment on this piece. :(
    I really like the second version. I think it adds power to it by not telling the readers that the child is "sucking in her pride" because the child...and the flower...could be sucking in something else...like secrets....
    I really like the simple to the point way it reads. :) You still got it....it being an amazing writing ability. :) Great piece.
    Take care hun,
    Love you!
    Bethany
    | Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the four line version better also. I'm happy to see you writing again.

    The flowers puckered petals
    good morning kissed the dew.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2006-12-09 00:00:00 | by devoted_dozer | [ Reply to This ]
      such a strong and vital message in so few words, Amy. very well done. i like both versions, but the 5-line verse seems to echo the picture 'cause the petals do look like they are sucking themselves in, like the lips of the child sucking in her pride.

    wonderful analogy, Amy. too many children are stifled this way.. adults too, i might add. i never "act my age." i don't think i'd know exactly how to do that!! we should all be free to act how we feel as long as we harm none, don't you think?

    so good to see you posting again! you always have such strong messages in your poems with wonderful Amy-like twists and turns!!

    love,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the 4 line version best. I am happy to see you posting again, I missed your quirky perpespective on everyday things,--some bizzare, and others so very poignant (like this one)--but always very, very, real in connection and leaving me just a little bit younger.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I prefer just the four lines. It works really well, so you dont need it. The picture is perfect. I used to love it when my kids got angry and shouted "Oh yeah, well I'm going to stay in my room all night". Their lips pursed in the same exact way. Nice job, Amy.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Amy,

    If a child is told to act their age, the very best part of who they are, gives way to the distressing life of being adult. OMG
    We lose our innocence and spontaneous qualities to create, we lose the blossom tha might occur, the beauty with which it unfolds
    stops shining in mid air.

    You've said alot in a few lines. I see Jase's PS too and I think you've managed that line just right in this. It's a keeper, and I wouldn't change a thing.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha. Just perfect Amy. It made me... think about this unique analogy you presented more fully.

    It made me smile. And think about a grumpy kid. But... they're so damn cute when they are. I know my little sister is when I tickle her to death and she screams for me to stop.

    Sorry for the lamo comment. That's all I could really say.
    Peace,

    Jase

    P.S. When I finished this comment the photo had vanished... and you'd added another line. I think it's already implicitly stated that it wounded her pride. Leave it out. It doesn't need to be said. That's just what I think.
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      The four-line version, definitely.
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    127745

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry