Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Gordon
    Elite Ratio:    3.55 - 5/5/7
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 800
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 755



    Description:
       Often feeling lonley when very young just a smile from a stranger could cheer me up.
    We dont know what effect we have on others around us, but a smile a touch helps so much!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit and slip into a dream
    Of things and how they could have been
    Of deep love that brushed my heart and cheeks
    Of pain, of loss, of despair lasting for weeks

    I sit and slip into a dream
    Of new love so deep and keen
    Of hair brushing a tearful cheek
    Of the joy of holding a lover week after week

    I sit and slip into a dream
    Of lost love and angels on the bed
    Of the people who helped with a smile, and a nod of head
    Of the many loved souls gone ahead

    I sit and slip into a dream
    Of people that just brushed my life
    I wake to know the angles are real
    And thank god for all the people that feel
    And love and care




    Submitted on 2006-12-07 15:44:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nicely and deftly done poem ... you've achieved a fine dream-like quallity to the poem ... some excellent and well done rhyme here ... over all effect is really quite fine ... (a suggestion, and this is only a suggestion: if you were to even up the number of syllables in each line, say 8 or 10 syllables to the line, the flow of the poem, which is fine, would be, I think, much improved) ...still you deserve a big ... bravo! ... bravo! Michael
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know,despite it's soppiness I rather like the opening two lines.After that it goes a bit downhill I'm afraid.Line 4 of stanza 1 doesn't fit in with the flow of the rest of the verse and exactly the same can be said of the second verse.After that in the third stanza,line 3 doesn't fit then the last verse is all over the place.It would be a hundred times more effective if you stuck to the same patterns all the way through, and the last bit about god is totally unnecessary and makes it sound soppy and childish.Oh I like the title by the way-that's what attracted me to the poem in the first place.
    Cheers
    A.C
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    127829

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry