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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Contemplative archesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 583
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 915



    Description:
       coming through the battle filled with hope...another 15 min. writing exercise....i really don't know how i feel about this one yet...certainly a work in progress.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsContemplative archesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Entering the day
    Through contemplative
    Arches
    Bathed with hope
    As the dew
    Drenched petals
    Of a freshly blossomed
    Rose

    Upon the altar
    Lying
    Bloody
    Armor pierced
    Fire bronzed feet
    Exhausted

    Ponderous sword
    With twisted hand
    Clenched
    Deftly wielded
    Severing Ogs head

    Matted hair
    Embracing wrinkled brow
    Face grimacing
    With passion
    Blazing eyes steal
    A solitary glance
    Slurred praise flows
    Through contorted lips
    As molten flesh
    Through corroded veins


    Parched soul pines
    Through paralytic spirit
    Caressing
    Stillbirth dreams
    As a new brides
    Virginal bosom
    With every cosset
    Reckoning heirship
    Galvanized with glory




    Submitted on 2006-12-07 16:42:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I was going fine until, "Armored pierced". Do you mean "Armor pierced"?

    I think this would read better if reformatted into whole sentences rather than chopping it up and starting each line with a capital. This causes a reader to pause unnecessarily the first time through, interupting the train of thought.

    Just an idea to play with. A very colorful and strong piece. It might help also to reiterate the title phrase "contemplative arches" or something like that at or near the end to tie the idea back as a conclusion.
    | Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi john paul,

    You put together some beautiful images and the feel of this tells me the path is not easy, and yet it's worth the trouble.

    I like the idea of awakening to a threshold of arches, I'm sure in your line of work there are ample ways to give blessings! So waking in this fashion makes perfect sense.

    Mattered hair
    Embracing wrinkled brow
    Face grimacing
    With passion
    Blazing eyes steal
    A solitary glance
    Slurred praise flows
    Through contorted lips
    As molten flesh
    Through corroded veins

    Mattered hair is interesting and gives us the notion of "messy" and also "concerns" interesting choice. Here I've lost the thread of who is sending slurred praise, is it you or perhaps evil. Are you talking about the imperfection of us as humans? Just wanting to understand, maybe you would want to make that clear in the poem. And too, maybe I'm not quite understanding, but it does seem to affect theme in some real ways.

    You say something of how we repeat the words and yet don't live them I think in the last four lines of this strophe above. We sleep walk through a life where God could be alive in our hearts, well done!



    Parched soul pines
    Through paralytic spirit
    Caressing
    Stillbirth dreams
    As a new brides
    Virginal bosom
    With every cosset
    Reckoning heirship
    Galvanized with glory

    The other image that caught my eye is Stillbirth dreams, which is not to say they've been placed in past tense, as in stillborn and the use of this is very different.And it occurs to me that you're fighting your oath in this and I see that theme here too.
    And Jesus as the bride certainly is there also. Nice package, john paul you've covered a great deal in a miminalist structure.

    Beautiful!

    Nan


    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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