[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Our songdots

    Author: Cannablisjunkie
    ASL Info:    22/Male/Indianapolis, IN
    Elite Ratio:    2.59 - 77/147/87
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1466
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1121

       blaahh, mind fried. need outside perspectives.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOur songdots

    She turns on the record player,
    then walks back to the love seat,
    where I lie.

    Her indian styled leggs
    aid in being a great head rest of mine
    as my mind does penetrate dreams depths.
    Where lucidly i'm at my best.

    I'm more than less comfortably secure with her at least.
    Requesting religiously for more
    of this world to be offering me.

    Lord why instead of praying, I beg?
    Help me rise re-introducing me to
    a new path rather than once led.

    The one in which I thought I knew
    to be correct..and true.
    He's neglected me again,
    but don't stop. Please continue.
    To help self motivation see me through.

    Yes, ignore me please awhile i'm drifting..
    in a land discolored by stained melodies
    that remind me of our once perfectly sounding harmony.

    When the track finally does end
    I awaken naked, and vulnerable.
    You're too dependable transcending
    the unimaginable only in my sleep.

    Submitted on 2006-12-08 05:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow...really awesome job with this.

    "Yes, ignore me please awhile i'm drifting..
    in a land discolored by stained melodies
    that remind me of our once perfectly sounding harmony."

    Kind of sounds like you got stoned with your lady one night, and just laid down and listened to some music and let your mind drift into wherever it wanted to go.

    But it is lovely...
    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      this would make a really good song.
    just some of the ways everything was described and pictured.
    i dont really have much to say.
    sooo keep writing.


    sorry so short.
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this it had a good feel to it, there are a few things that i would change <and this is just me>, "a new path rather than once led." i think would read better with "ones led" then once. its choppy could use a bit of smoothing out but i like it alot, has that feel to it like your laying back stoned just feeling the music, lost in your self.

    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]