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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Necropolisdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 592
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1621



    Description:
       wrote this today 12.09.06 after reading an article in the new york times regarding Colma, Ca. a necropolis of 2.2 sq. miles... apparently only 1500 people live among 1.5 million dead.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNecropolisdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Eternally estranged
    Separated from Life
    Gone with the aromatic winds
    Weighed and found wanting

    Decomposed flesh
    Suspended with golden rods
    Of self-reflection
    Groping for the truth
    We stumbled toward the sanctuary
    Beneath the scorching sun

    As lions we roared in life
    Mourning solemnly as doves
    Vagrant we pompously
    Sifted the silver
    Clenching the mire between our fists

    Deviant minds
    Succumbed to mnemonic worms
    Of immortality
    Conjuring the hope
    Of salvation once offered
    Attempted apprehension
    Vanquished before reception

    Blazing tongues
    Thrust from smoldering mouths
    As if a black mamba
    Coiled to strike its prey
    Quenching its fierce thirst
    With the blood from another victim

    As you are we once were
    As lovers
    We waltzed under a canopy
    of stars
    We were Sons and Daughters
    Possessing a rebellious vitality
    As doctors
    We attended to the sick and weary
    We were poets
    That wrote our sonnet’s
    with Shakespearian flare
    As porters
    We sanitized the world

    Truly life is but a vapor
    As a fading flower amidst a storm
    Yes, abandon all hope
    You that enter here
    Be mindful of your creator
    For as we are you shall be

    For we are the desolate
    We are the dead…




    Submitted on 2006-12-10 01:45:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Look at the line: "Weighed and founding wanting" Shouldn't it be "weighed and found wanting"?
    In addition, there was a small apostrophe error in "our sonnet’s."

    Overall, though, I found myself intrigued by this one. The whole "necropolis" idea is always strange, and strange often makes for the best reading; the use of unexpected descriptions in some areas definitely started me thinking. Not sure why.

    --crimson echo

    p.s. Why is pretty much every other comment here quoting half your poem?
    | Posted on 2006-12-13 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Eternally estranged
    Separated from Life
    Gone with the aromatic winds
    (Weighed and found) wanting

    Decomposed flesh
    Suspended with golden rods
    Of self-reflection
    Groping for the truth
    We stumbled (toward) the sanctuary
    Beneath the scorching sun

    As lions we roared in life
    Mourning solemnly as (doves)
    Vagrant we pompously
    Sifted the silver
    Clenching the mire between our fists

    Deviant minds
    (Succumbed) to mnemonic worms
    Of immortality
    Conjuring the hope
    Of salvation once offered
    Attempted apprehension
    Vanquished before reception

    Blazing tongues
    Thrust from smoldering mouths
    (As if) a black mamba
    (Coiled to strike) its prey
    Quenching its fierce thirst
    With the blood (of another) victim

    As you are we once were
    As lovers
    We waltzed under (a) canopy
    of stars
    We were Sons and Daughters
    Possessing a rebellious vitality
    As doctors
    We attended to the sick and weary
    We were poets
    That wrote our sonnets
    with Shakespearian flare
    As porters
    We sanitized (the world)

    Truly life is but a vapor
    As a fading flower amidst (a) storm
    Yes, abandon all hope
    You that enter here
    Be mindful of your creator
    For as we are you shall be

    For we are the desolate
    We are the dead…



    This more spontaneous style suits you well, Reverend, and the tone of this post is perfect for the grave subject you've undertaken to relate to the reader. I've made my suggestions for revision in parentheses, but the bulk of the write is quite good. You do become a little overtly preachy at the end of the post, so be aware of the tone you present if you intend this to reach the unconverted. A whisper is often more effective than a shout.

    Take care.
    Bill.

    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      are you trying to be abstract or distant?i absolutely think that you have some very poetic lines in this piece,but it needs to be shortend,make all of it undeniably poetic.your vocab is supurb,but in a way makes the piece either abstract or just difficult to conjure any image at all,if you took the idea or image you had in your head when you wrote this verse and focused on making it shorter,more to the point,and,ultimately,more powerful,this could be an exceptional piece of verse.overall,i think it is excellerated compared to alot of [censored] i see here,but wit a little tweaking and focus it could be an exceptionally masterful verse.nice vision,and send me the final draft,if you write one...and absolutely,keep writing....
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by crazyphreshone | [ Reply to This ]
      The idea of a necropolis is very stange although I admit hanging out with dead men and women quite alot, Beethoven, Dickens, et. al.

    There isn't much I would change here, because the point is that there are so many dead souls in the world. Some have died and gone to heaven now and that is the best. The rest of us are shaking and waking ourselves and others with good intentions in mind.

    You have such fine voice, john-paul, poetic lyrically, but very intelligent and that is an unusual combination. And this my friend is the combination that unlocks the key to the future: sufficent mind to solve the mysteries we create and sufficent soul to rest in the arms of the Divine.

    As lions we roared in life
    Mourning solemnly as doves
    Vagrant we pompously
    Sifted the silver
    Clenching the mire between our fists

    Deviant minds
    Succumbed to mnemonic worms
    Of immortality
    Conjuring the hope
    Of salvation once offered
    Attempted apprehension
    Vanquished before reception

    Blazing tongues
    Thrust from smoldering mouths
    As if a black mamba
    Coiled to strike its prey
    Quenching its fierce thirst
    With the blood from another victim

    Very powerful lines, Father, and it tells me we missed our chance. That is the effect I'm feeling. But I wonder when we'll be able to give up the little set of rules and simply live the way we should? Consciousness bids us not to do certain things and yet we fall.

    As you are(,) we once were
    As lovers
    [We] waltzed under a canopy
    of stars
    We were Sons and Daughters
    Possessing a rebellious vitality
    As doctors
    We attended to the sick and weary
    We were poets
    That wrote our sonnet’s
    with Shakespearian flare
    As porters
    We sanitized the world

    It was science that made us doubt the existence of the Divine,
    and I saw someone write here that Neitzsche claimed that God dead, he also said, and science killed him It was when man took power for himself that he lost the way to God. And I love you line "we as lovers", because there you have found the androgynous self that is making love, and is the perfect synthesis of yin/yang that is us as we are designed to be. And there was no question as to how we live the moral life, nor did we question God's presence. I like too, how you've given us the image of an ancient world where knowledge is intrinsic, we knew and that is it

    Truly life is but a vapor
    As a fading flower amidst a storm
    Yes, abandon all hope
    You that enter here
    Be mindful of your creator
    For as we are you shall be

    For we are the desolate
    We are the dead…

    I think this last strophe would be stronger if you shortened it up and let the reader find your meaning, but that is for you to decide. Please follow your own heart, john-paul. I would do it like this..

    Life is but a vapor
    A fading flower amidst a storm
    abandon all hope
    you are as you shall be

    we are the desolate
    we are the dead



    To be or not to be?
    Even if we are ignorant of all the teachings, benevolence is ours and that is the crux of unconditional love. I have lots more to share with you, beautiful job with this!

    Nan



    | Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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