Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In the gardendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elseibi
    ASL Info:    20/f/uk
    Elite Ratio:    3.13 - 228/180/38
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 545



    Description:
       Ive already written a poem for my grandma and that reminded me of George, an old man who became like family for me, my mum and i used to visit him every week do do his shopping and keep him company. At christmas time too, we'd make sure he got a stocking full of goodies from santa, and he also came round for christmas dinner if he didnt already have plans. When i think of him, my fist image is of his garden, he was forever tending to his lil, beautiful garden till the day he became too ill. It's where he'll always be in my mind.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn the gardendots
    -------------------------------------------


    In your garden,
    forever you stand,
    flat cap on your head,
    and flowers in hand.

    In my mind,
    you smile and wave,
    always so kind,
    always so brave.

    You've seen life,
    both joys and grief,
    now from your strife,
    you've found relief.

    I hope you've found,
    your paradise sweet,
    when my time comes round,
    once more we'll meet.













    Submitted on 2006-12-11 17:34:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is very simple, and it didn't feel so much sad to me as it did aware and open to accepting the loss of someone you loved. Your imagery in a garden is lovely, and very nicely not overdone as it can be.

    Over all, I loved the flow and the consistency of rhyme throughout. Very nicely done!
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Ron's comment. Very mature in its content, and your caring and love shines through in this lovely write.

    Well done Louise - excellent stuff from you and a real joy to read.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2007-08-05 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent poetry & I'm happy to meet your work. Like crimson echo sez, there's no way to find fault with it. That is a poetic technique in itself, same as for other arts: you chose a form, however seemingly modest & simple, of which you have complete mastery so that whatever you do with it is not an ambitious effort subject to criticism. Instead, it's just a memorable example, a model, of how to do that!

    I just made a diagram of the grammatical 'inversions' that appear in this poem. That is bits like choosing 'paradise sweet' instead of 'sweet paradise' - putting the words or phrases in an unusual order, sometimes because it sounds good, and sometimes in order to make the lines come out right during regular verse. Well, the 'inversions' in this poem make a pattern of their own ... probably you didn't design that feature ... but it's cool anyway and shows how the process of composing verse is more powerful or magical than we realize sometimes?

    I was dumping on somebody, yesterday, whom I thought was trying to account for Everything in each poem (which nobody can do but the readers love it anyway!). Next, I read your work which is kind of the opposite: there is an advanced universal vision, spirituality, philosophy, ruling reaction to life, whatever. But instead of trying for total self-expression, or else lecturing us about it, instead of that you are writing about single people at single moments; or about details of life that filled up your view only for a moment. The universal vision shines out of every line but that's not what you're talking about directly. It is a kind of art which I admire ... don't do it too well myself .... true stories not fantasies, true feelings not drama ... something like that? It makes romance look like insincerity!
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Words fail me at this point. No, really, I have tried to enter three different beginnings at least two times each before arriving at this one.

    I don't think there are words to be said for that poem. It's a memorial worthy of remembrance.

    ...Though I like Ron's writing, I have to say: Jeez, Ron! D'you have to be so dang POSITIVE?

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely, Lou! You are mature beyond your years, and your love and respect for elders is a sign of character and maturity! I absolutely love this! Well done!
    | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    128372

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry