In your garden,
forever you stand,
flat cap on your head,
and flowers in hand.
In my mind,
you smile and wave,
always so kind,
always so brave.
You've seen life,
both joys and grief,
now from your strife,
you've found relief.
I hope you've found,
your paradise sweet,
when my time comes round,
once more we'll meet.
| This piece is very simple, and it didn't feel so much sad to me as it did aware and open to accepting the loss of someone you loved. Your imagery in a garden is lovely, and very nicely not overdone as it can be.|
Over all, I loved the flow and the consistency of rhyme throughout. Very nicely done!
|| Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ] || I agree with Ron's comment. Very mature in its content, and your caring and love shines through in this lovely write.|
Well done Louise - excellent stuff from you and a real joy to read.
|| Posted on 2007-08-05 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ] || This is excellent poetry & I'm happy to meet your work. Like crimson echo sez, there's no way to find fault with it. That is a poetic technique in itself, same as for other arts: you chose a form, however seemingly modest & simple, of which you have complete mastery so that whatever you do with it is not an ambitious effort subject to criticism. Instead, it's just a memorable example, a model, of how to do that!|
I just made a diagram of the grammatical 'inversions' that appear in this poem. That is bits like choosing 'paradise sweet' instead of 'sweet paradise' - putting the words or phrases in an unusual order, sometimes because it sounds good, and sometimes in order to make the lines come out right during regular verse. Well, the 'inversions' in this poem make a pattern of their own ... probably you didn't design that feature ... but it's cool anyway and shows how the process of composing verse is more powerful or magical than we realize sometimes?
I was dumping on somebody, yesterday, whom I thought was trying to account for Everything in each poem (which nobody can do but the readers love it anyway!). Next, I read your work which is kind of the opposite: there is an advanced universal vision, spirituality, philosophy, ruling reaction to life, whatever. But instead of trying for total self-expression, or else lecturing us about it, instead of that you are writing about single people at single moments; or about details of life that filled up your view only for a moment. The universal vision shines out of every line but that's not what you're talking about directly. It is a kind of art which I admire ... don't do it too well myself .... true stories not fantasies, true feelings not drama ... something like that? It makes romance look like insincerity!
|| Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] || Words fail me at this point. No, really, I have tried to enter three different beginnings at least two times each before arriving at this one. |
I don't think there are words to be said for that poem. It's a memorial worthy of remembrance.
...Though I like Ron's writing, I have to say: Jeez, Ron! D'you have to be so dang POSITIVE?
|| Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ] || This is lovely, Lou! You are mature beyond your years, and your love and respect for elders is a sign of character and maturity! I absolutely love this! Well done!||| Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ] |