Description: "whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. And when you look long into the Abyss, the abyss also looks long into you." -- Nietzche
a psychological wonder.....
the Monster of the Abyss -- a tribute to Nietzche -------------------------------------------
I have long looked into the abyss
leaning towards its welcoming kiss
long has the abyss peered into my soul
trying to find a weakness, an entry hole
long have I fought this raging monster
and rageful, monstrous thoughts it begins to foster
i float amongst the inky clouds
watching the abyss hand out its victims sgrouds
tendrils of smoky nothingness snake around my arm
an angels voice promises they mean no harm
i see an evil laughing shadow, eerie and ghostly pale
finally i wake and start to fight, tooth and nail
the shadow just laughs and pulls me under
letting the abyss rip my soul asunder
so when you look long into the abyss
know that you lean towards my welcoming kiss
long have i peered into your soul
waiting for the right moment to swallow you whole
no longer those evil thoughts must the abyss foster
for now i have become that raging monster
In this, there is the potential for a great poem The structure is great with the rhyming couplets and suits the piece well carrying the atmosphere in the reading. The progression works well, it's fast and to the point, there may have been a temptation for many people to drag this out into an epic. Which may not turn out bad, but you seem to have a good thing going within the brief and direct approach.
What I'm not too keen on, and think takes away from the piece is that the rhythm is a little stop/start. I think you need to take a look at the lines again and see which ones either fall short or overshoot. I'm not saying it needs to be perfectly metered, but it would benefit from some attention to the flow.
Secondly I would be tempted to go back over it and consider some word choices. The poem is fairly simple (if you'll forgive the expression), but you still have some good vocab in there and the lines 'an entry hole' stick out like a dogs cock (if you'll forgive the expression :)) Obviously you were plumbing for the rhyme, but maybe there's a way to tweak that and bring it in line with the rest of the poem.
I agree with an earlier comment about a weakish ending, maybe weak is too strong a word, but Maybe an alternative that is along the same lines. Monster is a [censored] of a word to get a rhyme with, but that foster cropping up again is not too great.
spelling etc. Not a great deal and is purely for asthetic purposes. Some of your 'I's are upper case and some lower. Raging instead of rageful. Speaking of which you mention a rage word twice there in two consecutive lines, again I would be tempted to avoid the repitition. To finish, I think you mean shrouds.
I really liked the poem mate, and obviously my comments are just my opinions, but I hope they were helpfull.
to be blunt and a bit jockish. this is extremely kick ass. nothing about it i disliked. the imagery pulled me under and illuminated this whole piece. i would love to see more of this, or anything similar its a welcome breath of fresh air. favorite definitely.
Ahh, finally, your old self. This looks stunning and picturesque. This is what I've been waiting for from you. I knew you were hiding something. It sounds ferocious. The choice of words is excellent and invasive. A very intelligent and interesting concept that I find to be powerful. The elements of darkness lead into perfect elusive descriptions and the central character who, in metaphor, transforms into a beast is really a well of psychology to begin with.
Reading Nietszche at 16! Pretty much unheard of, but neat. He said a lot of really fascinating things but only elaborated a few of them--but an immesely interesting guy. To you fine poem ... excellent and very well done you show in this a superb knowledge of the seduction of evil .... full of fine poetic phraseology. (one humble suggestion: in the case of using rhyme it is much more potent if each of the lines in the poem has the same number of syllables (say 8 or 10 to the line) Bravo! Bravo! Michael