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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the Monster of the Abyss -- a tribute to Nietzchedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1423
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 990



    Description:
       "whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. And when you look long into the Abyss, the abyss also looks long into you." -- Nietzche

    a psychological wonder.....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe Monster of the Abyss -- a tribute to Nietzchedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have long looked into the abyss
    leaning towards its welcoming kiss
    long has the abyss peered into my soul
    trying to find a weakness, an entry hole
    long have I fought this raging monster
    and rageful, monstrous thoughts it begins to foster
    i float amongst the inky clouds
    watching the abyss hand out its victims sgrouds
    tendrils of smoky nothingness snake around my arm
    an angels voice promises they mean no harm
    i see an evil laughing shadow, eerie and ghostly pale
    finally i wake and start to fight, tooth and nail
    the shadow just laughs and pulls me under
    letting the abyss rip my soul asunder
    so when you look long into the abyss
    know that you lean towards my welcoming kiss
    long have i peered into your soul
    waiting for the right moment to swallow you whole
    no longer those evil thoughts must the abyss foster
    for now i have become that raging monster




    Submitted on 2006-12-13 07:48:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      In this, there is the potential for a great poem The structure is great with the rhyming couplets and suits the piece well carrying the atmosphere in the reading. The progression works well, it's fast and to the point, there may have been a temptation for many people to drag this out into an epic. Which may not turn out bad, but you seem to have a good thing going within the brief and direct approach.

    What I'm not too keen on, and think takes away from the piece is that the rhythm is a little stop/start. I think you need to take a look at the lines again and see which ones either fall short or overshoot. I'm not saying it needs to be perfectly metered, but it would benefit from some attention to the flow.

    Secondly I would be tempted to go back over it and consider some word choices. The poem is fairly simple (if you'll forgive the expression), but you still have some good vocab in there and the lines 'an entry hole' stick out like a dogs cock (if you'll forgive the expression :)) Obviously you were plumbing for the rhyme, but maybe there's a way to tweak that and bring it in line with the rest of the poem.

    I agree with an earlier comment about a weakish ending, maybe weak is too strong a word, but Maybe an alternative that is along the same lines. Monster is a [censored] of a word to get a rhyme with, but that foster cropping up again is not too great.

    spelling etc. Not a great deal and is purely for asthetic purposes. Some of your 'I's are upper case and some lower. Raging instead of rageful. Speaking of which you mention a rage word twice there in two consecutive lines, again I would be tempted to avoid the repitition. To finish, I think you mean shrouds.

    I really liked the poem mate, and obviously my comments are just my opinions, but I hope they were helpfull.
    | Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Nietszche! Fabulous. The only comments I have are technical ones, like the overall "flow" could be improved by taking out some useless words like 'it's' 'this' and 'the'.

    "i see an evil laughing shadow, eerie and ghostly pale
    finally i wake and start to fight, tooth and nail"

    might sound better as:

    I see an evil laughing shadow, eerie, ghostly, and pale
    finally I wake and start to fight, tooth and [adjective]nail

    just to improve "flow"

    I absolutely LOVE the line:

    "so when you look long into the abyss
    know that you lean towards my welcoming kiss"

    but the ending might be stronger as:

    "evil thoughts no longer need to foster,
    for now i have become the raging monster"


    All in all, fantastic write! I love it.

    | Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by Waywarddaughter | [ Reply to This ]
      to be blunt and a bit jockish. this is extremely kick ass. nothing about it i disliked. the imagery pulled me under and illuminated this whole piece. i would love to see more of this, or anything similar its a welcome breath of fresh air. favorite definitely.
    | Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by lark | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahh, finally, your old self. This looks stunning and picturesque. This is what I've been waiting for from you. I knew you were hiding something. It sounds ferocious. The choice of words is excellent and invasive. A very intelligent and interesting concept that I find to be powerful. The elements of darkness lead into perfect elusive descriptions and the central character who, in metaphor, transforms into a beast is really a well of psychology to begin with.
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      Reading Nietszche at 16! Pretty much unheard of, but neat. He said a lot of really fascinating things but only elaborated a few of them--but an immesely interesting guy. To you fine poem ... excellent and very well done you show in this a superb knowledge of the seduction of evil .... full of fine poetic phraseology. (one humble suggestion: in the case of using rhyme it is much more potent if each of the lines in the poem has the same number of syllables (say 8 or 10 to the line) Bravo! Bravo! Michael
    | Posted on 2006-12-13 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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