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    dots Submission Name: Leaves of Melancholydots

    Author: Fougene
    ASL Info:    17/m/Saskatoon Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.57 - 23/22/39
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 697
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 846


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    dotsLeaves of Melancholydots

    Whispering, whispering,
    Leaves of melancholy.

    Is the sight laid before me;
    The nature's soft carpet;
    As my feet trample once-been beauty
    A breeze,
    That sends the myriad flying.

    Dancing, dancing,
    Leaves of melancholy.

    An invisible hand gently
    Settles the autumn rainbow,
    Twirling them a ballet
    Sur les pointes, Fouetté sauté.
    To lift up again, a veil
    Draping my horizon.

    Falling, falling,
    Leaves of melancholy.

    To weave
    Into a pensive scenery,
    To mock
    Many rumbling skies,
    To mesmerize
    A lonesome spectator
    - Do not be saddened
    - By the leaves of melancholy.

    Submitted on 2006-12-14 16:00:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You've captured nicely those mixed feelings of awe at autumn's majesty, and sadness of knowing that summer is over and the dark, barren and colorless days of winter lay ahead. I like that you focus more on the emotion rather than the obvious sensual descriptions relating to color, smell sound and texture.

    You do show all these things, but in beutiful uplifting imagery such as the "unseen hand" and the dance scene.

    "An invisible hand gently
    Settles the autumn rainbow,
    Twirling them a ballet
    Sur les pointes, Fouetté sauté.
    To lift up again, a veil
    Draping my horizon."

    those lines show all the color and splendor of the autumn leaves, but weave a thread of mysticism /zpiritualism through your words, as we become poignantly aware of the season's that parallel the human cycle.

    The last strophe sums up that inevitable spiritual "chill" you feel, that stab of loneliness,--and your fascination, rapt at the scene before you.

    I think the last three lines might be even more effective off to themselves-but it's your call.

        Do not be saddened
        By the leaves of melancholy.

    I have one nit though and that is the use of "once-been" in "As my feet trample once-been beauty"

    It sounds harsh wmongst the other delicate and succinct diction used. Perhaps choose a synonym that works a little more smoothly--eg. former, quondam, onetime, or even fading, ebbing, enduring,--because they are still beautiful, in a different way.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this poem this gray ominous afernoon.
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]

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