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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitled ( Part 2 )dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LongPastDead
    Elite Ratio:    6.68 - 34/64/29
    Words: 473
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 259
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2606



    Description:
       UNDER COSTRUCTION

    Any help with this would be great.
    To understand it full, you must read the original 'Untitled'. Yes, and if anyone has a title suggestion for either of them it would really help me out alot. Thank you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitled ( Part 2 )dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Anger burns away at my hate filled eyes,
    causing tears to run down my face in despise.
    They run away from the wicked flames at the corners,
    but their watery escape does nothing but fuel it more.

    The landscape of my sight turns into a massacre of red,
    churning the spiteful passion within my aching head.
    The black fog surrounds me once again,
    tainting my vision worse than the bloody red.

    I’m back within this unholy place,
    the demon’s whispers reaching my ears like filthy lace.
    They do no attack just yet,
    but watch as my emotion escalates.

    You face in my mind burns within the flames that lick away,
    and I find myself cursing your very name.
    You horrible, vile creature!
    You’re worse than THEM!

    I spin around to look at the never-ending dark sky,
    comparing you to the displayed demonic beings nearby.
    The wounds you have caused could not even begin to compare,
    to the mortal injuries these things have dared!

    I yell into the darkness,
    my knees hitting the cold ground.
    My flaws scatter to the wind,
    and the dark creatures follow the scent.

    They are nigh but an arms length from me when I give in,
    inviting them to the slaughter, my tears dripping from my chin.
    Baring grins of malice they form a circle around me,
    and I close me eyes so I cannot see,
    taking in one last shuttering breath so deep.

    They take the gesture kindly and pounce upon my surrendering form,
    they slash, they bite, they open wounds they had once before torn.
    Crimson hatred pools around me,
    born from the longing spite within my veins.

    The demons pull back and disappear with laughter,
    leaving me all but dead after.
    My knees huddle to my chest in anguish,
    my body thrumming with pure pain and hatred.

    I quiver within the growing pool of my own blood,
    laughing as loud as my torched lungs could.
    There is always painful hope to be found,
    laying near to death in this, my unholy ground

    There’s nothing left here,
    nothing but the flames hidden behind my eyes.
    It’s just the darkness and me,
    old friends, good buddies.

    I’m dying inside again, I know, it was meant to be.
    Who would have ever guessed,
    that hate would be the end of me?




    Submitted on 2006-12-14 22:14:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Im not really going to sum this one up in terms of what it means... because the meaning of this is simple and straightforward. Im going to tell you that once again im very impressed with your choice of words most of the time, there is an occasional overuse of words like "red" and the fact that most of the imagery used has become a sort of overused subject for poetry... the whole "dark" poem thing. At least you can say you are better at it than 9/10 of them, and thats something worth holding on to. Personally I think your rhyme schemes are overly simple for the complex diction you are capable of, you could strike some stunning poetic pictures if you broke away from that classic sing-songy rhyme, it weakens the overall message your trying to convey. I've broken away from using rhyme often in my poems, or else I'd offer one of mine as an example. Just try picking a more complex rhyme scheme, or erasing the rhyme all together (besides without trying to rhyme you are open to put any word you want anywhere in the poem, it makes it easier for you to explain something personal to you).
    | Posted on 2008-07-12 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Both poems speak of the destructive happenstance of both love and hate on a very extreme level. Each one is written with incredible animosity towards the aforementioned emotion. I always enjoy reading such arduously done poems. Thanks.

    -J
    | Posted on 2007-12-10 00:00:00 | by Forest Saint | [ Reply to This ]


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