Hey i think you should venture into poetry more often as you have expressed yourself quite clearly and powerfully in this.
I commend you as a story writer but i think you show potential in poetry, as prose is a great expression of how you feel or see things i see poetry as a more focused concentrated or condensed form of expression. This piece catured my imagination but also left me wanting more, i guess that is also part of the impact imparted in its concise nature. This was good, liked it!
This is good, short but really good. I don't know what to say about it really. Besides that it really pulls at your emotions, and your mind can see the sceene vividly. YOu didn't use a lot of discription but it was enough, just enough. THis is a grood pice, keep on writing.