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    dots Submission Name: Out of waterdots

    Author: Clarkie
    ASL Info:    18/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.33 - 101/76/36
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 703
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 411

       Written quickly, just something I dashed off. Any guesses as to what it's about are welcome. I'm really trying to be better about line breaks. Really. I promise. Also, just a general tip when reading my stuff, try it aloud. I think most poetry was meant to be read aloud.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOut of waterdots

    The river moves too quickly
    Swollen with storm water
    Heavily pregnant
    And yet she runs
    Head long towards the ocean
    She will explode onto the scene
    Delivering fish who cannot breath
    Gasping against the salt
    Clogged gills, no hope
    They will sink into the sea
    Scaled stones, against sand
    Similar to the riverbed
    But deadly

    Submitted on 2006-12-15 23:05:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Swollen storm waters in a river for my thinking Clarkie..that's my guess as to what it's about anyway. 8)

    For an off-the-bat poem it's fairly potential!
    The first three lines begin and create a tempo quickly and then

    "And yet she runs
    Head long towards the ocean"

    I think the use of "yet" seems to adjectively slow the tempo, like a pretense.

    Perhaps you might consider some words swaps?
    L/6 "onto - on"
    L/7 "who - that"

    Very enjoyable poem though for it spontaneous nature of origin.
    | Posted on 2006-12-16 00:00:00 | by danativ | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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